Thursday, October 28, 2010
Day 11: A Deceased Person I'd like to Meet
I know we are all waiting for your return. I know we're all contemplating if we've done the right thing or if we believe strong enough. Well I'll be honest.... I'm not 100% sure if you are real & I don't go to church every Sunday...To be even more honest I haven't been in quite a long time BUT I do listen to church music a lot....really I do! My excuse? There really isnt a good one....i just like to sleep in on weekends...I know that's horrible to say but I know lying is a sin. I get really tired with Braylon. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make sure he's following the right path & Im in need of constant reassurance from my family & friends. I spend so much time with him that it's exhausting. I feel guilty sometimes when I say Mommy's tired. But even moreso, I get so proud every time he gets moved up in school because he's far beyond his age bracket in terms of academics. I don't want that to change so I'm always counting, always reading, always playing, & always spoiling him. I know you are watching over him & without you being there to guide him when I can't I'd be nervous.
On another note...I just feel sometimes your father has put things on me that I don't understand. Whether its miniature drama or blasted across the internet i know theres a reason. Sure the saying goes " He'll never put more on you than you can bare" and sure it's all made me stronger but why me? I have so many questions that I need answers to. I know I shouldn't question you or Him but I'm only human right? I'm far from perfect & even today I laughed at individuals I considered psychopaths. Ok ok ok...that was mean but i really think it's true. They have a serious problem. Anyways, with that I know everyone is Gods child & he spent more time on others & maybe left a few screws loose for humor.....ok sorry again....you know me...I got jokes.
For real though, when or if your return before I die....can you please just give me a break? I'm really trying to do right. I drink yes, but I've never smoked a day in my life....heck y'all drink wine right? I know God doesn't make mistakes and everything happens for a reason but sometimes it hurts like crazy. I've lost a lot off people in my life that I miss dearly & I feel your hand on me when I cry. I will ask that you let both my grandmothers, my grandfather, my cousin, & my friends that you've taken know i love and miss them dearly. I've been through a lot most people have no idea about because I'm a lot stronger from it .....however, it still hurts.
Basically, I just wish that you keep me standing & you keep me strong. I know everything I'm going through has a purpose & eventually I'll know what that is. I know that when I get weak you pick me up. I know when I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place you give me wings. I know when I'm surrounded by 4 walls you give me a shovel, I get it. I'm just waiting to understand why & when all the drama is going to be over. Lastly, please dont think im questioning you and your fathers choices...i know i was chosen for this life for a reason....If its ANYTHING ive learned thru all this its that I know it's not on my time.... Its on your fathers ....and it always right on time. I just hope you continue to be there for me when I feel like giving up. I need you to be not only the rainbow when the storm is over but also my umbrella thru the storm..
I love you,