Monday, December 13, 2010

VH1 Blog!

Hey Everyone!

Im sure you caught the premiere of the new season of Basketball Wives! Make sure you check out my blog on called Royce Reed's Recaps! Copy and Paste this link to see the blog & feel free to comment and let me know what you think:

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Day 24: Person who gave me my favorite memory

WOW...this is a hard one...Im probably gonna have to saaaayyyyyy


Girl, from the day I met you till now I always say that if it werent for you I wouldnt be where I am dance-wise today. I remember trying to figure out if I liked you or not because it seemed like you were so damn picky. Now I realize it was for a reason. You saw something in me that I didnt see in myself. You saw my passion, my love, and my talent to be a great dancer. I never thought about auditioning for the NBA until my last year dancing with Mahogany Dance Theatre at FAMU. You had me doing things I didnt think was possible and I appreciate you for believing in me more than I believed in myself. Now for the favorite memory part...

After I saw you in Houston at Allstars and we had THE TALK, I met your coach, and saw yall dance I deep down knew I wanted a change but didnt know if I was good enough. For 6 months I contemplated whether or not I was going to return to the Magic or audition for the Heat. You gave me so much hope and drive that I finally got the courage up to tell my Magic coach and my teammates I wasnt returning. I had and will always have so much love and respect for the Magic and my former coach but I needed to spread my wings. As hard as it was I knew it was something I had to do if I wanted to further my career.

I walked in that audition scared sh!tless. Rewinding a day.... "Royce what are you wearing to the audition?" "Um a sports bra and some shorts..." "oh hell no! Time to find you an outfits". HILARIOUS! I really thought that would fly. Anyways, Ill never forget your face when I did 7 backhandsprings across the floor. "I knew you could tumble but damn!"lol. You were so proud like I was your sister or something...then I realized I kinda was...or at least it felt like it. I remember making it to finals and working on routines in your living room. I remember you being so blunt that it made my heart sink. But mostly I remember hearing my name being called as a member of the 2006-2007 Miami Heat Dancers! If it werent for you I wouldnt have that in my memory, in my past and on my resume. For so long I looked at the Heat Dancers as the #1 Dance Team in the NBA. Not to mention for 4 straight years we held that title. We werent just beautiful girls with nice bodies...we were extremely talented and intelligent. That to this day is my favorite memory. I can actually say I was a Miami Heat Dance and people turn their heads like WOW!

Thank you so much Traci for being there for me. If it wasnt for you I really dont know where I'd be. You are by far 1 of the fiercest dancers Ive ever seen in my life and I really look up to you. Through our arguments that put me on team probation "Sht the F Up!", "No you shut the F up!" to the "Girl you so crazy" I love you girl. We have so many fun and goofy memories I can laugh forever but we also have those serious keep it real moments too. You are destined for so much more success and your Dance company (Addiction) is beyond excellent. I really look up to you and one day you will be as thick as me! lol hahahahaha. Love you chica and thank you!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 23: The Last person you kissed!

Now I could be all basic and say the last person I kissed was Braylon lol but I know this means the last person I KISSSSSSSED lol. Soooooo of course it better be Dwayne right? Or else Im getting dumped lol.


After 11 years we finally made it. We finally stopped being "just friends" and became a couple. We finally stopped dealing with failed relationships and venting to each other to becoming an item....A emotion.....a LOVE! I remember the talks we had playing around with the idea but never followed through. I remember the flirting and the teasing. I remember everyone saying "Dammit just go ahead and be together already!". Well, we did it. Thank you for supporting me, fighting for me, and sticking up for me. I am your biggest cheerleader and I enjoy watching you work, succeed, and just being you. We compliment each other...You are my MAN...You are my Knight...You are my Jamaican King...and Im your Queen...or what you like to call me...your EMPRESS! I love you.

Yes, we argue, & yes we get on each others nerves at times but with every kiss, & every hug, it never lasts long. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and loving me through thick and thin. I may not say it all the time or even show it but you are the best thing thats happened to me in a long time. We have so many memories already that I laugh all the time or think of them when I'm feeling down. From the burned rice and macaroni and cheese to u scaring me & making me cry. From the night the bug flew in the car and I jumped in the back seat like a bat, to the night we made out on the dance floor like no one was there but us. I love you.

Whats best is the fact that you LOVE Braylon like hes your own and he loves you back. He asks about you everyday when youre not there and when you are you 2 are inseparable. I love seeing the smile on both your faces when you get together. Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes because hes so happy. I love watching the 2 of you play and have your man and lil man moments. Gotta admit, I enjoy being the woman of the house watching my 2 boys. Sometimes when you stay over, and Braylon jumps in the bed at 3AM I wake up and see the 2 of you laying there and I just stare. He deserves you & I deserve you and you deserve US. I love you.

Whether we're out with the crew or inside cuddling on the sofa we can have fun together. I love the fact our friends can get together and it be like family. Whether its the big dinners at Bahama Breeze, the memorable...or "what happened last night" nights at the club, we always end with a laugh or me getting on your nerves because im yelling for no reason...."I thought you were no im getting something out the car....oh my bad!" lol..... or..... The "Why are you wearing sunglasses inside the club" to the deep conversations that come out of nowhere at Waffle House. They all make for funny moments when we reminisce.

I remember the day I realized how serious we really were. You asked me for my ring size. You asked me to send you pictures of my perfect ring. You talked to my parents about your intentions and got their blessing. You talked to my brother as not just a friend but a brother. Thats when I realized that this may be IT for me and Im ok with that. So if we last or not and whether or not we do take that walk down the aisle...just know that at this moment...right now...I love you & everything you are. Muahs!

Inside joke:
Is that a camel toe!!!!! Im on the side of a truck! lol :o)~

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 22: Someone I'd Like to give a 2nd Chance to...

Hmmm....This 1 is easy...probably the fastest blog ever!

I cant really figure out who I'd like to give a 2nd chance to because I promised myself not to look back anymore. I strongly agree with this poem (whoever wrote it):

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season!

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these... it might have been.

So with that anyone that is no longer in my life, has been cut off, we stopped speaking due to certain circumstances, etc.... Thank you for being a part of my life when you were. You served your purpose. I may not be over it, I may not have forgiven you...although most I have and others Ive tried to. A large part of me cant wait for Braylon to get older and understand the things going on around him. Im Not bitter, not angry, some people just no longer serve a purpose in my life therefore theres no need for 2nd chances. For some, especially, 1 I will never respect you or trust you EVER again so what does it matter??? Even the DEVIL has a Little Bitch! Your season is over, your chapter has been read, and your time is UP! Two Fingers, Im out!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 21: Someone I judged by 1st impression


Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, I couldnt STAND you. I literally thought you were the 1 person I hated in life. Its not important how or why but I realize you cant base your opinion of people off of what someone else tells you. I did that, you did that, and our families did that. If it werent for a certain situation we would probably STILL think the other was crazy, psycho, jealous, envious, bitter, mean, disrespectful, a whore, a bitch, and the list goes on.

I just want to say Im HAPPY we finally met. Im happy we can form our own opinions of each other based off our own impression. I do think you can be extra sometimes but thats you lol. I think we are both emotional and we both wear our hearts on our sleeves. I believe we both love hard and we both fight for that. Family is extremely important to us and we will do any and everything for them. Although youre definitely a shopaholic and I love my sneakers you are for sure a cool chick! We have a lot in common and although im sure we both have underlying issues pertaining to..... I hope we will eventually get over them and that bigass hill. We've had conversations that we couldnt have with anyone else. We've had some funny moments and even some disagreements but we get thru them. Regardless of how we got to this point, everything happens for a reason. We were meant to meet for a reason, we were meant to speak for a reason, we were meant to be in each others lives at this moment for a reason....whether its just a chapter, a season, or a decade, I wouldnt take it back. Despite so many people telling us not to speak and theres no reason we should be friends. Despite people telling us not to trust each other, or hang out. Despite people telling us that you still or I still want that BS, really IF lol.... any of it ends up being true....i still had a helluva good time and regardless...We're soldier girls!

Thanks Tink (lmao)


Day 20: Person who broke my heart the most...not thru love...thru words

Dear Butterflies (not gonna put a picture),

We werent in love, we werent extremely serious but we had some months under our belt. I was smitten by you. You were everything I thought I wanted in a man and you were definitely easy on the eyes. I called you butterflies because thats how you made me feel when I saw you or thought about you. We could talk and laugh for hours. I really thought we would last. THEN I made a mistake. I didnt cheat, I didnt hit you.....I danced at a pool party. I told you about it the day it happened and even sent you the link. You claimed you didnt care and it didnt bother you....I believed you. Nothing changed between us and we got a little more serious. You knew about the show and although you werent in love with the idea you supported my decision. You never wanted to know about my drama because you cared about who YOU saw and you liked ME.

Then....the show aired.

Everything about you changed. That strong man I thought you were disappeared. You started caring about other peoples opinions and not your own. You told me you liked me but you couldnt be associated with me. Ive NEVER had anyone flip on me so fast and turn their back on me so sharply. I didnt lose the love of my life but my heart cracked. I had never had someone say such mean things over SKYPE...yes SKYPE let alone to my face. Then you mentioned your mother. I got that part. Your mom probably wouldnt have had many nice things to say about me but I do believe she wouldve ended up realizing that everyone makes mistakes and respected that fact that I learned from it. I know your career is everything to you but its nothing when you have no one to share it with. I still watch your meets, I still see your blogs, and I still wish you the best. I just hope you never fall off that high horse youre on because if you do...reality is gonna slap you dead in your face and you will miss what you once had.

Through our deep conversations about things you never spoke to anyone about to the wrestling matches on the floor I dont regret meeting you and I dont regret our times. For 3 months we had fun but what you said to me is STILL in my heart and its hard to heal. I didnt love you, I liked you a lot but those words were sharp and they cut deeper than ANYTHING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME. I dont judge anyone, and I always take people for who they are....mistakes and all. I know you and I know this letter probably wont phase you, but it feels good to get it out....even tho a lot im keeping in.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 19: Person who pesters me the most

You are on my mind everyday. You cause me to daydream. You cause me to write. You cause me to use my determination to push through.

Dear Conscience,

Thank you for entering my brain and my heart each day I am here on earth. Thank you for being in the back of my mind telling me who I am and what I deserve in my life. Thank you for keeping me sane and making good decisions. I appreciate the drive you give me when I want to give up. I respect the times you let me vent and pull me back before I go too far. With out you I would be a mess. You cause me to think before I react. I have grown so much in the past year and alot has to do with my maturity. Thank you for always helping me keep my sense of humor. Thank you for keeping me humble through everything. With out you I wouldnt still be laughing the night away to the point my stomach hurts and tears coming out my eyes. You have kept me whole, driven, and warm-hearted. You have dragged me back to reality when I steer away from my friends and family who truly love me. Thank you for always making me realize the importance of love instead of material things. Thank you for always making me understand money does not buy happiness. Thank you mostly for always making sure I put my son FIRST! The determination you give me to be successful has always been there. You have ALWAYS nagged me to be the best I can be in everything I ever participated in. I reached the levels I did because you pushed me to do so. I am the dancer I am today because of you. I pursued my acting career because of you. So many times I was told to get a "REAL job", but you were there to tell me this is your "REAL job". I am NOT meant to sit behind a desk for hours. Im meant to perform, Im meant to teach. Im meant to do exactly what it is I am doing. Entertain and Educate. Thank you for never letting me fail or give up. You were always that voice in the back of my head that never let anyone bring me down...not even now. People may be able to say whatever they want about me BUT what they cant take away is my TALENT! I am great and 1 of the best at what I do. I am always working on my crafts and you make sure you never let ANYONE interrupt that.

I am you,

You can say whatever it is you want to say about me...but...AT THE END OF THE cant take away...and you still say...
Thats good enough for me because thats who I am & Im proud of ME! Thank you! #POW! :o)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 18: The Person I wish I could be

WOW! Hmmm.....

I just gonna start writing without looking back and deleting because I know if I proofread im going to take some things out...With that said...

Sometimes I wish I could be Cold
Sometimes I wish I could be Evil
Sometimes I wish I could be Heartless
Sometimes I wish I could be so Selfish that nothing and no one else mattered but ME.

I wish I could go on with life not caring what other people think regardless if its good or bad. Its easy to say you dont care but a small percentage of you does. Like I said before you cant get through LIFE without other people so I'd be foolish to say I dont care at all.

I wish I could throw someone under the bus so bad like theyve done me but my heart pulls me back. So much of me wants to expose that person for who they are. I wish I could tell all the secrets and prove all the lies but then I have to ask myself, what good what that do to me and my life? Why would that make me happy? It wouldnt but I wish it would because then I could. I just keep telling myself its NOT my duty to show the world who they are but I wish It was.

I wish I could be that person that was so evil that I could attempt to ruin someone with lies just like they tried to do me. I wish I could make false allegations, & spread rumors just to ruin a persons career by overshadowing their talents. I wish I could throw the rock & hide my hand. Better yet I wish I could do all these things then cover them up by doing good deeds or smiling in peoples faces. I wish I could be so evil that I could laugh at another persons misery. I wish I could step on someones back to get to the top. I wish I could burn bridges and not give a DAMN about how many. I wish I could hurt people and their families and friends JUST because I could & to prove a point. I wish I could humiliate the people who once bent over backwards for me just because they made me mad. I wish I could sleep at night after making the world think another person crazy or psychotic because of what I said...or didn't say. I wish I could knowingly put someone in harms way and tell them "Its not my problem". I wish I could have my friends send death threats, harass, and threaten people who I dont like just to make their life hell. I wish I could be that wrong, that evil, that cold, that selfish and that heartless. BUT I CANT....

I wasnt made that way. I wasnt raised that way. I will NEVER be that way. But I am a fighter and I will fight until I cant fight anymore. You may be winning some battles but you WONT WIN THE WAR! TRUST! I know some wish I would give up...maybe thats who YOU wish I was...but thats DEFINITELY NOT WHO I AM!. LIKE I SAID BEFORE....WHEN I SEE SOMEONE REACHING FOR THEIR DREAMS I WISH ON THEIR STARS...SO GUESS HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE WISHING ON MINE!

I bet you think this song is about you...that means youre guilty!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 17: Someone from my childhood

This letter goes to 2 people!


Girl where the heck are you? What happened to us? We were inseparable all thru Middle School then we drifted. Nothing couldve told me we wouldnt be life long friends. I remember us writing a few times when we went off to HS but then it dwindled and went away. We have so many memories that are slowly fading and I wish I had more pictures. I remember the friendship bracelets and my Birthday Party and the Sheraton. I remember the t-shirts we made (so ugly) and we still wore them to school...maybe thats where my fashion got screwed lol. Anyways, Awilda Andrillon, if you are out there or if anyone reading this letter knows her, Ive been trying to locate you/her.


I dont know where you are either. You and Windy were my closest friends. You wouldve probably been my boyfriend if I couldve had 1 lol. I remember getting a spanking when my dad saw us walking in the field behind our house. We were just walking but I guess he was just nipping it in the bud just in case lol. Anyways, we kept in touch a few years in HS then we drifted too. From my childhood I remember the fun times I had with you and Windy most. I still have your letters that you folded up like an arrow or an envelope with the pull tab. lol. Those carefree days. What sucks the most is that I later found out that you were my cousin...WOW! Thank goodness you weren't my 1st kiss lol...that would've been weird. Anyways, if you or anyone else reads this letter please know I'm trying to locate you/him too.

I miss both of you. My favorite times in Middle School had you both in them. We may not have any deep conversations or memories since we were only like 12 but we did have and that in itself is a breath of fresh air!

Love yall,


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 16: Someone thats not in my state

Short and Sweet!

My Brother Tony,

Although we arent as close as we used to be you are still my brother. Half or not we are family. I remember growing up and seeing you a lot more than I do now but we were younger then. You've gone off and had 2 beautiful boys and I love them dearly. I wish I could see and spend more time with them and you but I understand. I wont forget the piggy back rides or spending those days and nights with Grandma aka "Mother". I was young so I cant remember any drama if there was any with the adults but I do remember the fun times and the laughs WE had which is all that matters to me. Im also not sure what happened to make things go from weekly visits to years of separation but thats in the past. I see your photos and my nephews at my parents house and I cant help but wish we were closer. However, now, it feels great knowing that I can talk to you a lot more now and its on our terms. Thank you for being there when I need you and sending your support and love at just the right times. You definitely have that protective trait that really makes me realize we are more than just halves...we are whole regardless. You could've just disappeared but you didnt. I dont think you realize how much that means & how much I appreciate you. You are for sure 1 of the men in my life that I know has my back through the good and the bad. You know me and you know my heart. We are Reed's! Always and forever! I miss you and I love you. We definitely need to keep in contact more and I want to see those little boys grow up more than just on Facebook.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 15: Person I miss the most...

This one is really hard. Bare with me...


Despite what I found out after you were gone, I know who I MET and who I MISS.

We met on my 18th Birthday at FAMU. I was in BIONR for Biology majors who were looking into Pre-Med (We see I ended up following my #1 dream NOT #2...still love the kids tho) and you were a part of the Black Male Explorers. Your smile, & your laugh was contagious. When we first started talking it was as friends and you told me EVERYTHING! I remember the movie moments when you sung to me while playing the piano with me sitting on the top lol. I remember our long walks around campus. Over the next few months you became my 1st REAL boyfriend. You never asked me for more than a kiss and you never tried to receive anything else either. You were so respectful & so sweet. When the summer was over you wrote and mailed me letters every week. I still have all of them. Although you wrote extremely tiny and in ALL CAPS you had great handwriting for a dude, & I still read them every now and then lol....

A year later we broke up (you cheated of course lol) but you were honest, admitted it & we still remained friends. You still wrote and you told me about your exes, your currents, the good and the bad. I told you when you were wrong and when you were right. I was like your Home-girl lol. Regardless, Im happy we stayed close. I still have the voicemail you left singing "I Love You" on my answering machine. You were and always will be special. After all you were my 1st boyfriend...who never became my 1st lol.

Two months before your accident I remember you visiting FAMU with your boys. Yall laughed about the way you all drove and I told all of you it wasnt funny. I remember saying that it was dangerous and someone could get killed. I then remember that morning when I spoke to you for all of 5-10 minutes. It was so normal, so real. I called you that answer. I believe I left a message. The next morning I got a phone call...
"Hey Royce"
"Not much, what you been up to?"
"Nothin just chillin"
"Oh, did you hear about Deshawn yesterday?"
"No,I havent talked to him since yesterday morning, why?"
"What time?
"Like before they went to work or something I think, why?"
"Oh, he was killed in a car accident yesterday morning..."

Just like that. No sympathy from the person who told me. He said it like he was telling me you got a new puppy. I cried for days. To the point I lost my voice. I couldnt understand it. I wanted to know why. You had so much going for you. When I saw the article online from the newspaper I got angry. I wish I'd stayed on the phone with you longer that morning. I think about your mom and your family. I think about your kids who will never know their father. I know forgiveness is key but its a lesson Im still learning. I couldnt go to the funeral. I couldnt get the strength or courage. I miss your ass so much. Your voice, your jokes, your laugh. YOU! It's not fair but I understand its life and it was JUST YOUR TIME. I dream about you on occassion and every blue moon I drive down that street in Ft Lauderdale & cry. You are in a better place and Im sure youre singing your heart out! Like you used to say "Till the sun turns purple" we will always be here for each other. Keep lookin down on me!

Lil Head, Peanut head, Line-4-a-lip,

I wouldve posted the 1 with u smiling but u had those "THINGS" in your head so I wont :o)~

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 14: Someone I drifted away from


I dont really know why or what exactly happened that caused us to drift apart but its obviously happened. We've known each other since we were 6 and became best friends in college. After graduation you went to Atlanta, got married, and I stopped hearing from you. I know through a few emails feelings were hurt on both sides due to our firm and blunt opinions but we got past that. When I had Braylon you came to visit. This letter is short and sweet and not too deep but I do miss you. We had a lot of great times and our memories are crazy fun. If I have to live by memories for the months we dont speak thats cool because I KNOW Ill have enough to laugh about. From people gettin left in Sarasota, & ROAD KILL on the bus to Miami, to the KART running in front of me when a certain someone wanted to fight lol. Whether its settin up Chris after the club or the nights on the beach in St George. I love you girl! Whether its Purple Rain or Why...Earth Wind and Fire or The Jungle. Better yet Four Women and booty dancing to wondering why someone was crying during the Happy Dance. Ill make sure I sell my tickets instead of showing my ass to Shepiro, & the KART will live on forever! Regardless of the time frame...whether its a month or a year...I know once we speak it will last for hours and the laughs that make our stomachs hurt are something I will NEVER get tired of. See you soon and freakin A Im waitin on a baby from you and the hubby! lol :o)~

The R in KART,

(Best-Eboard of Mahogany Dance Theatre #FAMU)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me

I thought about this letter a lot. I've gone back & forth about who I've hurt, disappointed or even done wrong. I looked up & down & sideways trying to figure out who this letter should be for because in the cases I've remembered I apologized and/or was forgiven by them.....I'm not saying in every case it's been rectified but in the cases I care about they have. I can honestly say that the ones that matter to me have been squashed. So, I think more than them I need to forgive myself.


I ask that you learn how to fully let go of situations in which you have hurt other people. I know you say you're over it but in a lot of cases you regret things which means you're not. Everyone makes mistakes, & you are only human. You blame yourself for putting yourself in a situation for Day 12 to happen. It wasn't your fault. You didn't have a ride & no one was available to take you home. You blame yourself for your relationship falling apart & becoming a single mother. It is not your fault you realized your worth & what you were not willing to deal with. You are better than what they tried to make you out to be. You blame yourself for the drama in your life. It is not your fault you try to set the facts straight & let people know the truth. Who wouldn't. It is not your fault you signed something not entirely knowing what it was but feeling it would make things & people leave you alone. You are a smart, caring,loving, honest & loyal person. Mostly you are a great mother,daughter,sister,niece,cousin, & friend. Stop blaming yourself for having high standards. Stop coming down on yourself over that damn pool party. It's over. You did it. You owned it. You know who you are & that's all that matters. Stop thinking that if you had been on the phone with Deshawn that morning he would still be here on earth. Start believing in the song you play almost every night. The Reason.... Everything happens for a reason. You can't control fate but you are in control of your destiny. Let it go. Love yourself & all your faults. Others do so why can't you.....


Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 12: Person I Hate The Most

This letter is going to be extremely hard to write. I wrestled with myself and my emotions on whether or not to even "go there" then I realized if I didn't I'd be hiding something so many of us have in our lives. I feel as if im in a position where so many look up to me or wonder who i am and why I appreciate everyday....So with that's my day 12.....


You took something away from me I'll never get back. My innocence and my virginity. You held a knife to my throat and you forced me into a room. You cut open my jeans and you forced your sweaty drunk and high self on top of me. You called me every name in the book. You dripped sweat on my bare body & tried to kiss my mouth with your lips. You told me you wanted to take something from me you know I wouldn't give you. I sat there and screamed and cried until you covered my mouth with your shirt and told me you would kill me. I bled all over the table.....No one heard me.... Or at least no one tried to help. When you finished you laughed. I sat there and cried silently by myself until I got the strength up to move. I walked all the way to my apartment & went straight to the bathroom. I stayed in that shower for over an hour trying to wipe your scent off of me. My roommates sat outside the door yelling at me wondering what was wrong..... I said nothing. When I came out 1 of my roommates grabbed me as I fell. I lost all sense of reality because you stole something from me I cherished more than anything. I remember hearing her pray over me, and then I remember waking up with a film over my eyes because I'd cried so much....

Why? What did I do to you so awful to make you do that to me? I think about that situation often and I'm sure you've done it to someone else. I get mad at myself for not telling. Understand my only reason for not was not because of your threats but because I knew my family and friends would kill you and I didn't want anyone suffering more than me by being in jail. The reason I'm telling this story now is because I know I'm not alone. I know there are other females and males out there who have been in this same situation. I want them to know they are not alone. A lot of people in my life didn't want me to mention this part of my life but then I thought about why....because it's embarrassing? It's shameful? It's too personal? I look at it as life. You put me through something that caused me to flunk a semester. You put me through a block of time where I was afraid to even hug another male. But guess what.... I still prevailed and I'm still successful. I hate you more than anything I can imagine. Not that you should care but Karma is a bitch and you will get yours if you haven't already. You didn't kill me, you made me stronger. What you thought you gained you will lose. Through being tested to throwing up at night from the thought of you on top of me I am still here and happy. I wrote this to let others shoo have been taken by someone like you know aren't alone but I hope you reap what you sow and I hope you burn in hell.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 11: A Deceased Person I'd like to Meet

Dear Jesus,

I know we are all waiting for your return. I know we're all contemplating if we've done the right thing or if we believe strong enough. Well I'll be honest.... I'm not 100% sure if you are real & I don't go to church every Sunday...To be even more honest I haven't been in quite a long time BUT I do listen to church music a lot....really I do! My excuse? There really isnt a good one....i just like to sleep in on weekends...I know that's horrible to say but I know lying is a sin. I get really tired with Braylon. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make sure he's following the right path & Im in need of constant reassurance from my family & friends. I spend so much time with him that it's exhausting. I feel guilty sometimes when I say Mommy's tired. But even moreso, I get so proud every time he gets moved up in school because he's far beyond his age bracket in terms of academics. I don't want that to change so I'm always counting, always reading, always playing, & always spoiling him. I know you are watching over him & without you being there to guide him when I can't I'd be nervous.

On another note...I just feel sometimes your father has put things on me that I don't understand. Whether its miniature drama or blasted across the internet i know theres a reason. Sure the saying goes " He'll never put more on you than you can bare" and sure it's all made me stronger but why me? I have so many questions that I need answers to. I know I shouldn't question you or Him but I'm only human right? I'm far from perfect & even today I laughed at individuals I considered psychopaths. Ok ok ok...that was mean but i really think it's true. They have a serious problem. Anyways, with that I know everyone is Gods child & he spent more time on others & maybe left a few screws loose for humor.....ok sorry know me...I got jokes.

For real though, when or if your return before I die....can you please just give me a break? I'm really trying to do right. I drink yes, but I've never smoked a day in my life....heck y'all drink wine right? I know God doesn't make mistakes and everything happens for a reason but sometimes it hurts like crazy. I've lost a lot off people in my life that I miss dearly & I feel your hand on me when I cry. I will ask that you let both my grandmothers, my grandfather, my cousin, & my friends that you've taken know i love and miss them dearly. I've been through a lot most people have no idea about because I'm a lot stronger from it .....however, it still hurts.

Basically, I just wish that you keep me standing & you keep me strong. I know everything I'm going through has a purpose & eventually I'll know what that is. I know that when I get weak you pick me up. I know when I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place you give me wings. I know when I'm surrounded by 4 walls you give me a shovel, I get it. I'm just waiting to understand why & when all the drama is going to be over. Lastly, please dont think im questioning you and your fathers choices...i know i was chosen for this life for a reason....If its ANYTHING ive learned thru all this its that I know it's not on my time.... Its on your fathers ....and it always right on time. I just hope you continue to be there for me when I feel like giving up. I need you to be not only the rainbow when the storm is over but also my umbrella thru the storm..

I love you,
Gods Child