Sunday, October 31, 2010

Day 14: Someone I drifted away from


I dont really know why or what exactly happened that caused us to drift apart but its obviously happened. We've known each other since we were 6 and became best friends in college. After graduation you went to Atlanta, got married, and I stopped hearing from you. I know through a few emails feelings were hurt on both sides due to our firm and blunt opinions but we got past that. When I had Braylon you came to visit. This letter is short and sweet and not too deep but I do miss you. We had a lot of great times and our memories are crazy fun. If I have to live by memories for the months we dont speak thats cool because I KNOW Ill have enough to laugh about. From people gettin left in Sarasota, & ROAD KILL on the bus to Miami, to the KART running in front of me when a certain someone wanted to fight lol. Whether its settin up Chris after the club or the nights on the beach in St George. I love you girl! Whether its Purple Rain or Why...Earth Wind and Fire or The Jungle. Better yet Four Women and booty dancing to wondering why someone was crying during the Happy Dance. Ill make sure I sell my tickets instead of showing my ass to Shepiro, & the KART will live on forever! Regardless of the time frame...whether its a month or a year...I know once we speak it will last for hours and the laughs that make our stomachs hurt are something I will NEVER get tired of. See you soon and freakin A Im waitin on a baby from you and the hubby! lol :o)~

The R in KART,

(Best-Eboard of Mahogany Dance Theatre #FAMU)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me

I thought about this letter a lot. I've gone back & forth about who I've hurt, disappointed or even done wrong. I looked up & down & sideways trying to figure out who this letter should be for because in the cases I've remembered I apologized and/or was forgiven by them.....I'm not saying in every case it's been rectified but in the cases I care about they have. I can honestly say that the ones that matter to me have been squashed. So, I think more than them I need to forgive myself.


I ask that you learn how to fully let go of situations in which you have hurt other people. I know you say you're over it but in a lot of cases you regret things which means you're not. Everyone makes mistakes, & you are only human. You blame yourself for putting yourself in a situation for Day 12 to happen. It wasn't your fault. You didn't have a ride & no one was available to take you home. You blame yourself for your relationship falling apart & becoming a single mother. It is not your fault you realized your worth & what you were not willing to deal with. You are better than what they tried to make you out to be. You blame yourself for the drama in your life. It is not your fault you try to set the facts straight & let people know the truth. Who wouldn't. It is not your fault you signed something not entirely knowing what it was but feeling it would make things & people leave you alone. You are a smart, caring,loving, honest & loyal person. Mostly you are a great mother,daughter,sister,niece,cousin, & friend. Stop blaming yourself for having high standards. Stop coming down on yourself over that damn pool party. It's over. You did it. You owned it. You know who you are & that's all that matters. Stop thinking that if you had been on the phone with Deshawn that morning he would still be here on earth. Start believing in the song you play almost every night. The Reason.... Everything happens for a reason. You can't control fate but you are in control of your destiny. Let it go. Love yourself & all your faults. Others do so why can't you.....


Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 12: Person I Hate The Most

This letter is going to be extremely hard to write. I wrestled with myself and my emotions on whether or not to even "go there" then I realized if I didn't I'd be hiding something so many of us have in our lives. I feel as if im in a position where so many look up to me or wonder who i am and why I appreciate everyday....So with that's my day 12.....


You took something away from me I'll never get back. My innocence and my virginity. You held a knife to my throat and you forced me into a room. You cut open my jeans and you forced your sweaty drunk and high self on top of me. You called me every name in the book. You dripped sweat on my bare body & tried to kiss my mouth with your lips. You told me you wanted to take something from me you know I wouldn't give you. I sat there and screamed and cried until you covered my mouth with your shirt and told me you would kill me. I bled all over the table.....No one heard me.... Or at least no one tried to help. When you finished you laughed. I sat there and cried silently by myself until I got the strength up to move. I walked all the way to my apartment & went straight to the bathroom. I stayed in that shower for over an hour trying to wipe your scent off of me. My roommates sat outside the door yelling at me wondering what was wrong..... I said nothing. When I came out 1 of my roommates grabbed me as I fell. I lost all sense of reality because you stole something from me I cherished more than anything. I remember hearing her pray over me, and then I remember waking up with a film over my eyes because I'd cried so much....

Why? What did I do to you so awful to make you do that to me? I think about that situation often and I'm sure you've done it to someone else. I get mad at myself for not telling. Understand my only reason for not was not because of your threats but because I knew my family and friends would kill you and I didn't want anyone suffering more than me by being in jail. The reason I'm telling this story now is because I know I'm not alone. I know there are other females and males out there who have been in this same situation. I want them to know they are not alone. A lot of people in my life didn't want me to mention this part of my life but then I thought about why....because it's embarrassing? It's shameful? It's too personal? I look at it as life. You put me through something that caused me to flunk a semester. You put me through a block of time where I was afraid to even hug another male. But guess what.... I still prevailed and I'm still successful. I hate you more than anything I can imagine. Not that you should care but Karma is a bitch and you will get yours if you haven't already. You didn't kill me, you made me stronger. What you thought you gained you will lose. Through being tested to throwing up at night from the thought of you on top of me I am still here and happy. I wrote this to let others shoo have been taken by someone like you know aren't alone but I hope you reap what you sow and I hope you burn in hell.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 11: A Deceased Person I'd like to Meet

Dear Jesus,

I know we are all waiting for your return. I know we're all contemplating if we've done the right thing or if we believe strong enough. Well I'll be honest.... I'm not 100% sure if you are real & I don't go to church every Sunday...To be even more honest I haven't been in quite a long time BUT I do listen to church music a lot....really I do! My excuse? There really isnt a good one....i just like to sleep in on weekends...I know that's horrible to say but I know lying is a sin. I get really tired with Braylon. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make sure he's following the right path & Im in need of constant reassurance from my family & friends. I spend so much time with him that it's exhausting. I feel guilty sometimes when I say Mommy's tired. But even moreso, I get so proud every time he gets moved up in school because he's far beyond his age bracket in terms of academics. I don't want that to change so I'm always counting, always reading, always playing, & always spoiling him. I know you are watching over him & without you being there to guide him when I can't I'd be nervous.

On another note...I just feel sometimes your father has put things on me that I don't understand. Whether its miniature drama or blasted across the internet i know theres a reason. Sure the saying goes " He'll never put more on you than you can bare" and sure it's all made me stronger but why me? I have so many questions that I need answers to. I know I shouldn't question you or Him but I'm only human right? I'm far from perfect & even today I laughed at individuals I considered psychopaths. Ok ok ok...that was mean but i really think it's true. They have a serious problem. Anyways, with that I know everyone is Gods child & he spent more time on others & maybe left a few screws loose for humor.....ok sorry know me...I got jokes.

For real though, when or if your return before I die....can you please just give me a break? I'm really trying to do right. I drink yes, but I've never smoked a day in my life....heck y'all drink wine right? I know God doesn't make mistakes and everything happens for a reason but sometimes it hurts like crazy. I've lost a lot off people in my life that I miss dearly & I feel your hand on me when I cry. I will ask that you let both my grandmothers, my grandfather, my cousin, & my friends that you've taken know i love and miss them dearly. I've been through a lot most people have no idea about because I'm a lot stronger from it .....however, it still hurts.

Basically, I just wish that you keep me standing & you keep me strong. I know everything I'm going through has a purpose & eventually I'll know what that is. I know that when I get weak you pick me up. I know when I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place you give me wings. I know when I'm surrounded by 4 walls you give me a shovel, I get it. I'm just waiting to understand why & when all the drama is going to be over. Lastly, please dont think im questioning you and your fathers choices...i know i was chosen for this life for a reason....If its ANYTHING ive learned thru all this its that I know it's not on my time.... Its on your fathers ....and it always right on time. I just hope you continue to be there for me when I feel like giving up. I need you to be not only the rainbow when the storm is over but also my umbrella thru the storm..

I love you,
Gods Child

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 10 : Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to...


OMG we go waaaaaay back! Freshman year FAMU! WOW with the memories. From the days Kia and I used 2 yell at you, Red, and New York from 3rd floor McGuinn to the Raquetball Courts. You went from being My 1st to being My Best Friend. I dont know what happened to us over the years but even tho we hardly speak anymore when we do its as if no time has passed. We can be on the phone for hours reminiscing and it always makes me smile and sometimes laugh so hard I cry. I remember ripping pictures off your wall to writing you a letter that looked like this: kmadamfihysgiwinmuaihu and you understood what every letter meant. lol DANGIT you knew me too well. From the day I met your parents to the day you met mine my mom still asks "How's CJ doing?". The days we walked all the way to the State Room & the food fights in the Caf.

I just want to say I'll never forget you & it feels good to know after all these years even if we don't speak for a year, when we do it's like we never missed a day. Thank you for being there when I needed a friend or someone to give me a blanket or jacket because my ass was always cold. Thank you for mocking me every time I said something you thought was funny. Thank you for staying up with me till 5AM when you know we had class in a few hours. Mostly thank you for being 1 of my 1st real friends I met in college. My parents always told me you find your best friends in college & although I didn't find many I did find you. Through our dating & through our friendship you are truly 1 in a million. I wish we talked more often so that our catchup convos didn't last the entire day but I'll take what I can get lol. Congrats on your marriage, & i better meet her!

Next time I see your ass your lips BETTA not be black! I am NOT slow! Lol love ya Ceejey!

I'll post pics later. I'm on my iPad but you KNOW I got some throwbacks! :-)~

Ooooooh remember when they dropped me at the game? Thanks for being there even though you laughed!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 9: Someone I wish I could Meet

This should come as no suprise but this letter is to:

Hey J (yea Im acting like I actually know you),

Since I was little I can remember watching you and telling my parents I want to be Janet when I grow up. I really felt like it was an option to become someone instead of LIKE them. I remember going to my 1st concert of yours...Rhythmnation. I will NEVER forget how in awe I was watching you. I was 10 years old. I knew every song and my parents just laughed. I thought I knew every routine but was just bouncing around with the attitude in my face. I remember wanting to go backstage to meet you but I wasnt old enough. I remember trying to get your attention like I was the only little black girl in the venue. I think thats when my parents realized how serious I was about my budding career in the performing arts. Sure they had me involved in everything (gymnastics, dance, competitive cheerleading, track, piano, acting and singing) but the 3 that stuck out to me most....I wanted to dance, I wanted to act, & I wanted to sing. Id dance in the hallway before school until my mom told me to get dressed. My dad would have me singing my lungs out after school, and I would be swearing I sounded and looked just like you. As I got older I realized It wasnt so much then that I wanted to BE you, I just wanted to be LIKE you. My mom has always been my role model, but you were and in a lot of ways still are my career idol.

From that day at your concert, I had your poster on my wall. I wasnt a crazy fan with hundreds of pictures around my room, I just had 1. Id look at it every morning and strike a pose. Im not the fan that screams and cries everytime you come across the screen. I just sit, watch and take notes. I dont think Im the 1 that would faint if I ever saw you but I may cry. Im just the 1 who smiles and supports every album & tries to learn the words to my favorite songs. I remember how heartbroken I was when your Rock Witchu Tour Show got cancelled in Miami. I had front row center tickets with the backstage passes for my mom and I. I was counting down the days. I felt like I was finally going to meet my career idol. But it never happened.... I still feel like that little girl 20 years ago that wanted so bad to just say "Hi" but now that Im a young woman I also want to say "Thank you!".

Thank you for being so open with the songs you sung. Thank you for being so free in your dancing. Thank you for being so real in your career and opening up parts of your life for the world to see. If it wasnt for you, I doubt I'd ever have come so far as a dancer. My nickname since my SR year in HS till my last day dancing on the Heat Court was LiL Janet. Its such a compliment when people say that to me because for so long I looked up to you and was always inspired. Between you and your brother Michael I think you have changed a lot of lives. I see you now acting and Im so proud like I had something to do with it hahaha. But I just see myself in a few years. Majoring in Theatre Education and Humanities from FAMU and being a part of Mahogany Dance Theatre has definitely opened a lot of doors for me. You have done so many things I can only hope and pray that I'll be able to accomplish one day, especially working with Tyler Perry. If I dont get there, at least I can say I had a good run and I tried. Ive done A LOT more than 95% of individuals in this career can say they have and thats awesome. So, in closing, I just wish one day, that I can meet you long enough to say Thank you, you are the reason I chose this career and the reason I am a dancer!

Love you lots!
Lil Janet aka Royce

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 8: My Favorite Internet Friend

Hello Friend,

OMG how you have gotten me thru sooooo much this past year. There were days I'd write things that Id later end up telling myself "I shouldn't have said that." or "I should've just ignored it." Then I saw you. I'll never forget it. I was actually on my phone when I first met you. So bold! Your picture was nothing special but it made a statement. Its been times when Ive wanted to curse people out, or put them on blast but with one word you'd change my mind. From the death threats to the degrading comments, I see you. From the E-Thugs to the Perverts, I see you. When I think of you I realize you are a blessing. Every time I almost curse a FOOL out, you somehow show up on my timeline with 1 statement like you see the ignorance too. So, when I Tweet, I smile cuz I know you're there. When I see you I giggle. No one really understands how great you are unless they know you. I love the way you piss people off when they find out about you and how many times they make up fake pages just to try and get us back. Its hilaaaarious. Its like you just rained on their parade or kicked their dog. Its funny how many people fill up their timelines for 30 plus minutes talking about us because of what you've done. They actually take it personally or they just enjoy talking about me which is cool too. Definitely keeps me relevant. So much has changed since we met. I no longer get upset when people come at me sideways, I just laugh and look at you. I no longer let it phase me when E-Thugs try to get crunk when they know they'd never say it to my face. Mostly, whenever I come across something negative or even nasty I think of you and how you are always there for me. Whether I see you on private messages or on my public timeline it amazes me how powerful you are. Thank you for being there for me everyday, 24/7.

Thank you BLOCK BUTTON.... Thank you so much for everything!

I just LOVE the feeling I get when people sign in so they can attempt to @ me and THIS COMES UP! How you like them apples?! IIIIIII dooooooont seeeeeee youuuuuuu Beatch! You are a ghost! *POOF*

With that said, I'd like to send this message out to all my haters, & stalkers. Thank you soooo much for keeping my name in your mouth. You make the BEST publicists because you work for free! Like the song says "If you had it like me and I was in your shoes, I'd probably hate on me too!". I aint mad atcha! Muahs! Cheeeeese!


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 7: My Ex


It was Fall of '99 at Florida A&M University. On the set, on a Friday, hundreds of people walking around, and for a split second I only saw you. Standing by the stairs talkin to your homeboys smiling and laughing. My heart jumped "OMG who is THAT?!" You were breathtaking, gorgeous, & let me tell it seemed as if you had a spotlight shining on you with angels singing like a movie. I stared at you like a little girl meeting Mickey Mouse for the 1st time. I was in awe. You definitely had me shook. Nothing was said, there was no eye contact, that was it....

Next semester, I joined Mahogany Dance Theatre. It was Spring of '00 and we had to support our brother organization the FAMU Strikers. While having fun with my new "sisters" and old friends from the dorm I saw you standing by the door with a Striker shirt on. "WHO IS THAT?" I asked Tisiphani. "Oh, thats Ramesh." she said. "OMG he is sooooooo FOOOOINE!" I responded. "He has a girlfriend." Titi said. "Nooooo." I cried. "Yep, your best friend." she said sarcastically. "Shutup!" I yelled.

That best friend was actually the ONE chick in Mahogany I didnt care for at the time (Sorry Nikki). My heart was hurt. I hadn't said 1 word to you but was still a little heartbroken. I saw you 1 more time that year. We smiled at each other and you tripped running across Howard Hall lol. I never saw you again for the rest of the year. I later found out you had to leave for health issues.

Fall '00. On the set, yet again, it happened. We officially met. We talked, we laughed, we stared at each other. I was in a state of bliss. You were now single. Those 1st 2 weeks we met on the set everyday. You'd walk me to cheerleading practice, then I'd see you at Mahogany/Striker practice. On September 10, 2000 we had our 1st kiss in front of the gym. From that day till now, however, on and off, however many arguments we had, however many tears were shed, we've had 10 plus years of memories. When we were both with other people, it was respected...kinda. We stayed friends. When we needed that ear to talk to or that shoulder to cry on we were there for each other. We have had some extremely rough times to where I swore id NEVER talk to you again or you swore you'd never forgive me, but that never lasted.

We are both in different stages of our lives but ill never forget how you made me feel the 1st time I saw you. I dont want to make this letter 2 long but Ill never forget falling in the bushes, our trips to the parks, Valentines Day Auction, Miami, ham and eggs, my doggie, your moms loving and caring ways/words (love her), Randa & Vish fightin for us 2 work (love yall), Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure, party nights, going to practice together, St George, the car accident you had that freaked me out, using Erica as our mediator lol, the honesty pact after the mistakes, that night at Lux, that night at Bennigans.....laughing together, crying together, the moments you held my son, the moments you held me. You were my heart, and although you weren't my first boyfriend, you were my 1st love & that will never change.

Chocolate Bunny

(Sidenote: That's cake frosting from Braylons 1st Bday Party whn he hugged me covered in it)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 6: A stranger...

To the lady who came up to me in the Sprint Store in Tallahassee in 2001.

Ummmm Im not quite sure what your purpose was or if you were even working with a full deck but I havent been able to shake your words off of me in 10 years. I was with my friend Prince when you walked up to me and said "I dont normally do this but I have a strange pull bringing me to you. God is going to test you. You need to go to Church.".

I cant lie, I didnt feel like I was special, I thought you were crazy. Now... Im not so sure. I still remember what you looked like.....An African-American woman, short hair that kinda looked like a dry jerry curl, red or maroon looking shirt, jeans, and those ugly loafer shoes. You have to admit, you were looking a little unkempt so I hope you understand my standoffish attitude. I remember looking at you and saying something like "Ummm ok..." or "Ummm thank you...".

When you left, we laughed at you...(I said I wasnt perfect.). We laughed at your words, your clothing, your hair, everything. I brushed off everything you said. That SAME night Prince and I went to Walmart. After about 30 minutes of grocery shopping, laughing, joking, & talking about everything we found humorous we were about to go check out. "Wait, I forgot Orange Juice" Prince said. We turned around and went to the back of the store on the right side. I rushed him to pick a brand & he got a little annoyed. Once he picked one up and we began to walk away, ALLLLLLLLL the boxes on the replenishing cart fell. Im talking at least 50 big A** boxes. First thing that came to our mind...(Disclaimer: Remember we are broke college kids) was DAMMIT!

Prince: "Roooooooyce!

Me: "WHAT?!"

Prince: "We coulda been RICH!"

Me: "Huh?"

Prince: "You rushed me, those boxes were supposed to fall on us!"

Me; "Are you serious right now?"

Prince: "Hell yea Im serious! Dammit Royce!"

Me: "Sorry. Go lay under them then."

Prince: "Hit me with the Orange Juice."

Me: "You stupid."

Prince: ( A series of F bombs and other words that people say are French but Ive never seen them in the French Dictionary)

After that exchange we checked out and got in the car. He turned on Brandy (dont ask) and we went back to the On Campus apartments (Shout out to Phase III). That night, I dont know why, but it finally crossed my mind what you said to me. Maybe those boxes were supposed to knock some sense into me or warn me to stop laughing at you. Maybe it was a sign that I needed to take into account exactly what you said to me. I still dont know if you were sent by God or if you really were just a crazy lady. But with all Im going thru now, it does make me remember your words So, I dont know if that was the test THEN or if its what Im going thru NOW. But I just want to let you know.... excuse my language....But


Love u Prince! Hahahahahahaha!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 5: My Dreams

However Cliche', However politically correct, However surreal and beyond my reach it may seem.....


It started when I was in HS. When I was walking to my moms office one day out of many. I passed by a girl digging in the trash. Not just any girl tho...a popular one. One that many thought came from money and the "BETTER" things in life. It was weird. It was during lunch on a random Thursday and I decided to take the back stairs to her office. I saw her thru the door and she was throwing almost anything into her bag. It almost seemed as if she had been keeping a stash there the whole day. I know many of you are waiting to see what I did or if she saw me...but she didn't....I did however walk away. I was scared to say anything. I didn't want her to feel judged.

I still ended up going to my moms office and I asked her if I could go to Pizza Hut. Of course, I admit, having a mom whose a Guidance Counselor at your HS had its perks. She would let me go more often than not and the security guard let me go too. Thanks Ms W! :o)

That day I bought 3 personal pan pizzas with my lunch money and I put them NEXT to the garbage can I saw her digging in. Theres no happy ending or sob story because to this day I don't know if she got them. I don't even know if she went back to that can that day. It very easily couldve been taken out by the janitor. But that day I realized how blessed many of us are and how much we take for granted. With that dream is for UNITY.

[yoo-ni-tee] Show IPA
–noun, plural -ties.
the state of being one; oneness.
a whole or totality as combining all its parts into one.
the state or fact of being united or combined into one, as of the parts of a whole; unification.
absence of diversity; unvaried or uniform character.
oneness of mind, feeling, etc., as among a number of persons; concord, harmony, or agreement.
Mathematics .
the number one; a quantity regarded as one.
identity ( def. 9 ) .
(in literature and art) a relation of all the parts or elements of a work constituting a harmonious whole and producing a single general effect.
one of the three principles of dramatic structure (the three unities) derived from Aristotelian aesthetics and formalized in the neoclassic canon in which a play is required to represent action as taking place in one day (unity of time), as occurring within one place (unity of place), and as having a single plot with a beginning, middle, and end (unity of action).

We are all on this earth for a purpose. We cant get anywhere without someone else. Every job requires the help or support of somebody. To eat, to survive period we need another individual. Whether its feeding 1 person by working in the drivethru to playing a sport in front of thousands or acting in a movies millions go to see. We CANT live without each other. I look at all the hatred in the world that makes NO SENSE. Calling each other out our names, to laughing at anothers mishaps and failures. Why is someone elses misery your company? I very rarely fall into this trap anymore but sometimes I do...I am not perfect. I am human just like you. My dream is for everyone to realize how beautiful life is and that any God Given Talent can be taken away. Whether or not you believe in a higher power, you have to realize you are NOT here by chance and you are not here alone! Every feeling you express, every emotion you give, every action you take is felt by someone. Its not healthy nor is it fair to feel as if you are better than another because of what you have. IT CAN be taken from you. From my dream of starting a foundation for those extremely talented Middle School kids who want to play HS sports but cant afford it to writing my series of books whose focus is on real life encounters. Whether you're a single mother or a man living in wealth we are all still 1 family. We are HUMAN! That girl digging in the trash shouldve never felt that she couldn't ask for help without possibly losing her group of friends who were based on status. She shouldve never felt like she had to secretly find food to eat out of a filthy garbage can. Mostly beyond that, I, shouldve never felt like I had to walk away from someone who clearly needed help. I look back and realize that was a test for me. Did I judge her? No. Did I tell anyone? No. Did I help her? No....I thought I did but even if she did eat for a day, she didn't eat for 2.

It is our job in this world to come together. To Unite! To be able to help each other. We are 1 voice when we speak together. We are a circle floating in space that at moment can be taken from us. If you notice a HUG from anyone makes you feel comfort. A smile from anyone makes you smile back... in most cases. A laugh makes you feel as if everything that went wrong was right for those few seconds. When we fall we should feel like someone is there to catch us. When we dream someone should be wishing on a star. You leave this earth alone and everything you have stays behind. You cant take Money with you, & you cant take material things with your soul. However, the legacy you leave behind IS up to you. Will you be known for being a problem or will you be known for being a blessing?

I plan on being known for being someone who tried to treat everyone equally, with respect, and dignity. My dream is to leave this earth knowing that I brought even 2 people together. My dream is to leave this earth knowing theres a few kids that were able to fulfill their dreams of HS then College and possibly pro sports because I believed in them and I helped them get there. My dream is to see someone I saved from the streets because I gave them a chance and didn't judge them based on their upbringing but believe in them based on THEIR DREAM! As I said before....when someone is dreaming it is your duty to wish upon their star.
What will you be known for when you leave?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day 4: My Brother (Ryan aka Brudder)

Mooooooom!!!!! Daaaaaaad!!!!!! Im tellin!!!! Stooooop!!!!!! Get OUT!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!! That was the extent of our vocabulary when it came to our relationship in our younger years. As we got older it became more of a protector of me. Whether you were trapping me underneath the covers while you farted or beating up my dolls with your transformers I knew you loved me. Regardless if I annoyed you when I was cracking jokes and laughin on the phone when your girlfriend called or slapping you with my training bra you still never let anyone pick on me or call me out my name.

Now, much older, our relationship has changed. It started in college when I went to my 1st party and you yelled at me for cleaning up alcohol when the cops came "What the hell are you doing Royce? You're not 21! Go sit down some where!". Right then is when I realized that you were much more than just a title of my brother. You were now my friend. You were my defender, and my guide. You were now someone I could go to for advice. You were now someone I could cry to and not be judged. Whether you were telling your friends "Thats my sister, you cant talk to her!" or "Royce, those are NOT SHORTS go put some clothes on" I felt like more than just Ryan's little sister lol. I didnt realize it then but you have always looked out for me and kept me from making a lot of mistakes. You always seem to know how to say things the right way to get thru to me whether its mean or nice. We have definitely had some ups and downs to the point ive wondered sometimes "What the heck is wrong with you and do you need help?!" to "Did you really just say that to me?!. But then it hits love me. Ive seen you go thru so much & still you are there for ME. Im your sister, and im your friend. Very strongminded you are, very blunt you are, very opinionated you are and I love you for it. Yes, youve made me cry on many occassions but more than that youve made me smile. Youve made me laugh. We have memories than a lifetime can hold. You knew about Braylon before I told you. I guess thats the bond we have. You knew something was different and waited until I told you. You never judged me, you were there for me. You are a wonderful Uncle and Braylon loves everything about you. He looks up to you and asks about you everyday! You're his homeboy! Youre Uncle Wyan! lol

Thru all the drama Im going thru now you are my protector. I see you stick up for me when everyone else was scared to. I see you go off because you know the things they say about me arent true. For everything you do, and for everything you say I appreciate you. I may not say it enough but you have gotten me thru so much these past few years especially this last one that if you hadnt been there for me I dont know where I'd be. Thank you so much for being such a great brother, for supporting me in every decision I've made, for loving me thru my mistakes, for helping me up when I fall, and keeping me up when I could barely stand. I love you Brudder and you mean the world to me!

Sidder :o)

*_rists* <-inside joke

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 3: My Parents (JuaNita and Robert)

Before I wrote 1 word I was already in tears. Just the thought of how lucky I was growing up and how lucky I am NOW to have such a strong support system. To know I make them smile, laugh and proud. To know that Im special enough to be born to 2 such beautiful, strong, successful, supportive and loving people. I often wonder to myself, what did I do so great in my past life to deserve them... why me? As I sit here with the tears falling down my face I write this letter to my Parents. My MOTHER and MY FATHER!

Mommy and Daddy,

For as long as I can remember I was either Boots or Sugarpie, babe or stankdooky (yea I said it). From licking the cake batter off the beaters and rolling dough to help mom make biscuits in the morning to catching dragonflies and fishing with dad at night. From the day I started dancing to the day I stopped running Track. You knew who I was destined to be and you both made sure I got there. W/o you I may have been on the wrong side of the track. Ive grown up to see many I grew up with and used to be close to on drugs, in jail and even Resting In Peace. Ive grown to never take anything for granted and that working for what I have accomplished in my life and career is thru hard work. Youve taught me the most important thing I need in LIFE is not the material things, not money, not status but LOVE.

Although I grew up Middle Class in a low to middle income neighborhood called Tangelo Park, I love the fact that the quote "It takes a village to raise a child" was one statement that held true on our street. From the block parties to the Tailgating trips during FAMU Homecoming. The memories I have of playing 2/4 Square, Kickball, Freeze Tag, etc. then coming home when the street lights came on to a home made meal is something I will never forget. I remember for most my years growing up, how open you were to my friends coming by and becoming the father and mother figures some didnt have. I never noticed it then but I do notice it now. You had a strong impact on not just me, but everyone you have come in contact with.

Whether it was the small things like dropping me off and picking me up from school so I wouldnt have to catch the bus, or supporting every competition in every sport Ive ever participated in, I always had that support system a lot of kids didnt have and still dont. I am who I am because of who you made me to be. It means so much to know Ive made you proud but It also hurts to know that Ive disappointed you in some of my decisions whether you say it or not. I never want to make you feel as if you did something wrong. I never want you to feel as if somewhere you fell short. Ive cried many nights knowing that if I had never done that infamous pool party a lot of judgment passed on how I was raised wouldnt even be a factor. I apologize for ever putting myself in that position. I apologize for any backlash you may have received because your daughter, me, may have caused. Although you have always stood by me, thru everything, I refuse to let you feel in any way that my decision to do that had ANYTHING to do with how you raised me.

I am still Daddy's Girl, I am still Mommy's Minime. I am still that girl that looks up to her daddy and misses being carried away to bed and tucked it. I am still that little girl that is amazed by her mother and how many lives she touches everyday. I am not perfect but in my mind I was raised by the best 2 people God couldve EVER given me. You are my rock, my foundation, and the reason I am who I am. I love you so much and I could go on and on but Ill wait. You are celebrating 40 years of marriage this year and I can only hope to experience the same thing. I look at you play, I look at you laugh with each other, I see you argue, I see you agree, but mostly I see you love. Ive never lacked love. I heard it everyday. So even tho this little girl went from ponytails to....ponytails Im still the one who looked up to you both as my heroes. I am a mother now and I can only hope that Ill be as great of a parent as you both were to me. Braylon loves you both more than you know. Mai and Pop Pop. You may not realize it but I watch you with him and I see myself and I cant help but smile because hes as lucky as I am to have you in his life. I love you more than words can say!


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 2: My Crush


From the day I saw you, I knew it would never be more than a crush but I somehow enjoyed pretending you were mine since Middle School. The way you smiled, the way you spoke, to the way you dressed. It was something about your demeanor. Something about the aura you gave off. Something about you. I found myself believing that I wasnt just another girl, but that somehow if you ever met ME, Id be the one. Then I realized every girl felt that way. "If he just met me 1 time", "If he just saw me and we had eye contact", "If he knew I existed, He'd see how cool I was.". Hahaha. WOW at how I thought I was the perfect 1 and the only 1 who felt that way.

Then it happened. After I grew up and thought crushes were meant for those "Teenagers". I was too OLD to crush now! My mind was on my books, my career, and success. Little did I know, that Middle School CRUSH was still buried deep down in my soul. BUT...THEN...I met you. FAMU 2001. So random but it happened. Did I think it was fate? No. I had a man lol.
A drop dead gorgeous man at that(talk about him in a later blog...back to the regularly scheduled program) Ahem...
I didnt force myself in your eye sight, I sat there and ate my wings. When I realized you were enjoying the attention of the "ladies" I came to the conclusion that you were a playboy & I rolled my eyes. I wasn't gonna be THAT GIRL. Hell, I just wanted to say hello...I think... I then got up with my girl Kia and walked out. Someone yelled "Aye!", I looked back yelled "B", & kept it movin. About 10 minutes later you walked out on the set & sat next to me right in front of the TV Room. You asked my name, & I gave it. You asked if I had a "dude" & I said yes. You said you respected that, got up, shook my hand and started walkin away. My heart dropped...Then you turned around & smiled at me. Why I felt the need to throw up I dont know but I managed to smile back. THAT was it. But I felt something. I waited by the phone, then realized I never gave you my number. You did however find my AOL Instant Messenger. "Aye, dis you? From Fam? Its Merlin.". Luckily it was me or some random chick now had your info lol...Ill never forget the day we started Instant Messenging. It was like I didnt know how to write anymore. I took forever just to figure out a way to say Hello. When I did write "Whats up" you had already signed off. Then you came back on and we had an hour conversation. Never once did either of us bring up our relationships, dating or even a crush for that matter. It was just comfortable and deep down I couldnt help but feel like I did years before "If he only met me, he'd see how cool I was.". I knew I was right. But the chance never came for me to express my true feelings because months later you were called for too early. You were Definitely Gone TOO SOON.

R.I.P. (My Crush)
Merlin Santana


Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 1: My Best Friend

Lauren Lauren Lauren,

Girl from the day we first met till now its been a journey. You never ceased to amaze me with how great of a friend you are. From holding my head on your shoulders and wiping my tears, to literally fist fighting the night before your wedding. You are one of the most important people in my life and without you I don't know where I would be. Your constant support and refusal to let me fail or fall has been more than a blessing. I will never take you for granted and I will never let this friendship go.
Ive watched you become so successful in your career despite your trials and tribulations & believe me when I say your Grandfather is looking down on you and smiling. He is so proud of you and hes right there next to you thru everything.

Enough of the mushy stuff...
We have memories for days that we have to take to the grave. From the drunk nights to the ghetto pool slide! I will never forget that night you waited for me when I was walking around your neighborhood in the RAIN like I was in Love Jones with Mr You Know Who trying to figure out our relationship. Who knew we'd go thru some crazies with dogs and others who turned gay to finally finding our Prince Charmings! lol WOW!

I still remember telling you when I was pregnant. Your reactions I swear are so real and so honest but yet in some ways so wrong hahahahahaha. I love you for that. You know everything about me. I know everything about you. Standing next to you at your wedding was such and honor because you deserve so much to be happy. Braylon, Mr Ring bearer, enjoyed himself too Auntie Lawen lol. You already know when I walk down the aisle you're gonna be right there beside me dancing and all.

I will never forget the nights we woke up and could describe the whole night by saying "Dog..." or "What the F?". The simple fact we can stay on the phone and not say 1 word for 5 minutes because a show is on but not want to hang up is kinda ridiculous tho hahaha. I love you girl. You mean standing on rocks in heels and dresses to me. You mean riding Roller Coasters in Lightening Storms to me. You mean taking shots till they taste like water to me. You mean fist fighting and hair pulling in the driveway to me. You mean changing clothes in the car when a huge Semi stops next to us to me! You mean cursing out chicks in the club in our younger years to me. You mean "What happened last night, & why am I wearing this?" to me. You mean "Hey you up, I need to talk (at 5AM) to me. You mean those memories I cant write on here to me lol. Thru allllll these years, OMG we're old, we have so many memories. Fun times, emotional times, good days and bad You are my true ride or die. You tell me when I'm right and you tell me when I'm wrong. Regardless if its a trip to the mall or staging a getaway and cursing each other out while we are my BEST FRIEND and I love you.

Royce! '10/18/10

30 Letters 30 Days

For the next 30 days I will be blogging 30 different letters. Ive seen quite a few people take on this challenge and I too will be participating. My friend Lori Calloway has also decided to take on this challenge and we are doing it together. Check out her blog at: Thanks for the support and enjoy the next 30 days. Puttin it all out on the table! These are the letter challenges:

The 30 Day Letter Challenge

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror