Thursday, October 23, 2008
My Vacation and my Revelations...A New Start to the Old Me!
I know that last part of my title may not quite make since to some but to others its exactly what theyve been waiting for. The old Royce to come back. Well after this week Ive found her and I reintroduced myself to...well myself. Id lost so much of me these past few years and even more within the past year. I thought when I got saved I was on the path of my new beginning but I see now that it was God way of testing me and seeing how far I would stray. I got a lil ways away but I definitely came back. Before I get into my vacation and revelations I must say that one of the biggest lessons Ive learned was that I cannot fault or hate someone because of who they are or what theyve become. I can and will, however, distance myself and my child for our own sake. People are a product of their environment and they wont change unless they think somethings wrong within themselves. Most never find that personal flaw and you cant MAKE someone realize theyve become exactly what they fear! Whether thats a bad friend, criminal, parent, or person period, if that individual doesnt find that fault, they will never change and I nor you can stand next to them if theyre bringing you down or making you feel less than you are. With that said welcome to my revelations and the New Start to the Old Me...
Today I left for Clearwater, FL around 4pm. I arrived @ my hotel on Sand Key beach around 6. When I got to my room I immediately felt a sense of calmness. My view is ridiculously beautiful. Bray and I walked rt 2 the balcony and sat out there for about an hr. Erica came by and we went to eat at Sheppards. It was sooooo good. We talked a lot and she started giving me some advice. I left my computer @ home so every time I had an urge to Google myself I couldn't. That helped a lot. I have to admit it was kinda hard but very necessary. I guess I kinda, just kinda understand what withdrawals feel like to a heroine addict. You have 2 resist the urge and its hard 2 resist it when its right in front of you. However once you get passed that stage it can be right in front of you and you walk away. I want to get to tht point. Hopefully by the end of my trip I will finally be able to do tht. So when I get home and get in front of my computer, my first test will be just that. I do care what ppl think about me. Id be lying if I said I didn't. I think every1 cares 2 a certain extent but I really do because I know Im a good person, good daughter, good sister, great mother and a very good friend. I hear that everyday but I just wish everyone knew it before they started speaking so negatively about me when they don't know me or don't take the time out 2 care 2 know me. It does hurt but im learning that ppl talked about god and ppl will still talk about u when youre dead. Well this Old School handwriting w/ pen and paper is getting tiring so till 2morrow...im outtie! Hollerrrrr!
Today we woke up and stood outside on the balcony for a bit. We (erica, bray and I) then went by the pool and took a dip. After that I went parasailing (yes I do the things black ppl aren't supposed to do, sorry mom n dad but at least I didn't bungee jump yet lolol). It was actually really relaxing and fun. It wasn't excited like swimming with the dolphins. It was a different exciting. You kinda feel like you're floating way up in the air. Not quite like flying but just floating. After that we came up and took some showers then headed to Crabby Bills. I loooooove seafood as u can tell. On the way back I saw the cutest thing...a down syndrome couple holding hands and wearing matching T-shirts. There's someone for everyone like Erica would say. We did get a lil laugh @ this one guy who rode by with "just divorced" and happy faces written on his car! Can we say "wow". After that Erica had to go to work, she's a cop not a highway patrol, one of those serious 1s like the lady on The 1st 48. She's foserious<---like my word? Lolol....anyways, I went back up to my room, and put bray down for his afternoon nap.
Then I finally took the time to reflect on me and what's been going on in my life. All the drama and all the hate. For what? Why do I feed into it sometimes? Why do I even give it the time of day? Its nothing new to me so why am I now shocked? I've been hated on ever since I went to FAMU and got my culture shock. As much as I was ready to leave when I graduated, over time I realized I learned a lot abt myself. Im a strong, beautiful and successful black woman. Its a shame that within our race we seem to down each other rather than lift each other up. My career has taken a different turn than planned but that's Gods doing. I have my studio, and I have 2 companies. The plan to go to LA and pursue ME wasn't Gods idea for me so that's ok. I've done a lot and im extremely proud of myself. I have so much more to do and Im enjoying watching it prosper. I want my son to be proud of his mom and know that I tried my best! When it comes to a significant other I realize Im attracted to athletes and im not ashamed of it. Why should I be. Im an athlete and I've always been one. I was a gymnast for 8 yrs, I've been dancing for over 20 and I was a competitive 6A HS and college cheerleader for 9yrs. You probably saw me on ESPN a couple times...I was tht 1 token black girl flipping and getting tossed in the air lolol. I can't worry about what ppl think. Its not about money. I don't care if he played flag football. Its just something about an athletic guy that attracts me. 1 I like tall guys, 2 I like guys that take care of themselves and that r n shape. 3 I love the idea of competition. Not always but a lot. From air hockey and go kart races @ the fun spot to pulling for my Colts. I enjoy watching my significant other doing what they love and having such a strong passion for their sport. Ill also get out there and play flag football myself. Thats just me and I embrace that. If ppl can't understand that oh well. What sucks is that almost everyone I date is younger than me. Thats not on purpose. Its because most guys my age or older think im jailbait. im constantly being looked at in the mall or supermarket with the "shame on you" eyes because I have a baby and they think im 16. I wish I could walk around with a shirt on that says "im grown" but then it would just turn into "why aren't you married" so whatever. With that age thing also comes the maturity factor. Sometimes they're on my level other times they're not. Sometimes it even seems as tho they are until something life-changing happens and the scared puppy dog comes out or they just flip the script. I guess thts my problem to deal with. "Enjoy it royce thats a compliment, you'll enjoy it when you get older". Well, im old enuf now to realize that id rather look my age just long enuf to not have to show my id for r rated movies or for High Schoolers to be askin 4 my number.
I could honestly wake up to this view everyday. The weather has been perfect each day. Erica had to go to work early today so Bray and I are on our own for most of the day. So we got up, ate a lil breakfast and went down to the pool again. Brays been taking swimming lessons at the YMCA so I was doing some exercises with him and he's a lil swimmer. He knows how to float and find the edge and he's only 11mos. I think we've gotten 5 shades darker we've been outside so much. I like it, we have a nice lil glow. Anyway, after the pool we went down to the beach and ate some more seafood. I watched Bray run and fall in the sand and I couldn't help but :-) and laugh. He's so carefree and he loves his mommy. He would run to the edge, slap the water, turn around and run back to me laughing. Almost every1 around us swore he was at least 1 1/2. Lil did they know he's just naturally tall..... lol. Its so funny how he looooves being outside, especially the beach. When we're in the room he stands either at the window by the door or on the balcony in his diaper. Its so amazing watching him grow up. I haven't had a chance to get my massage but im set to get one 2morrow morning @ 10am so Erica can watch bray. After we left the beach we came back to the hotel and pretty much had a lazy day. I ordered Step Brothers on pay-per-view and we ate icecream. Then we took a nap. We were awakened by Erica beatin on the door like a crazy person. I answered to door and she goes "oh, u were sleep?", im like nah, I just like sittin n the dark. Anyways, she wanted to watch the Rays game while I wanted to catch up on Americas next top model...after all that game is gonna be on till midnite. Im NOT a baseball fan @ all but I admit I watched the game for about an hr ok maybe 30mins lolol. I then went to get a soda from the soda machine and when I came back the door wasn't working. I put the key in and the light turned green but the lock wouldn't release all the way. Erica is meanwhile lookin @ me thru the door laughing like its the funniest thing ever. Im like open the damn door! She's on the floor literally rolling. Bray then comes to the window with his head tilted sideways like whats goin on? Y are u outside. I tried like 4 times and I started cursing. Erica said I sounded like I had tourrettes. Whatever! Lolol. When I got inside bray wanted to all of a sudden play. After beating up the window blinds he wanted to play chase. So Erica n I each got on diff ends of the suite and he went crazy. He would run to 1 of us, we'd grab him and he'd laugh so hard and scream we couldn't help but laugh too. Then he'd turn around n run to the other with his arms up like a lil monster. It was hilarious. We played that game for abt 30mins until he started fartin everywhere. I guess tht icecream finally got 2 him. Erica was like did u fart? Im like No thts braylon. "Stop lyin royce" she said. 'Im foreal, I swear it wasn't me, thats braylon". She didn't believe me till he did it right by her face. "Omg it smells like a grown man fart" she said. "I know" I replied, its ridiculous. A stinky poop followed shortly after with a big :-) during each push. Lolol. Revelations for today I I realize how great of friends I have. Real friends. Not the 1s that want something, or hint at wanting something. Real genuine caring friends who really want the best for me. They pick me up when im down and they never steer me wrong. They tell me when im wrong and when im right... especially when im wrong. They never hype me up to do something out of character or that could hurt another person despite how much I want to retaliate. They hold me when I cry. They support me when I dream and they applaud me when I succeed. I appreciate the most when they tell me certain things are my fault due to my dumb decisions. Then they tell me how I can fix them if I want to. Granted im hardheaded a lot but they understand that and don't let me stray away to long. I've made a lot of knee-jerk decisions in my life and some big ones in the last year. Some have helped others have hurt but they've all been lessons I've learned from. This trip was much needed. I return home Thursday night but im staying on vacation till Saturday. I miss my family and my friends. You never realize how much you take life for granted and your blessings till you sit back and think. Some people weren't brought up the way I was. I have 2 parents still together and in love. They still play like schoolkids. Its not always perfect but its love. My family owns, sells, and has inherited several pieces of land. We have our own travel agency. Our family name is extremely well known in Orlando and has been in the Orlando Newspapers several times for history purposes and stories. I grew up not having to "want" for much but I never took it for granted because so many of my friends came from poverty. I traveled all over the US before I was 13 because we always took family vacations. I went to college on a full scholarship. Im been to over 13 different countries to perform. I've been a part of 2 of the NBA's BEST dance teams, LITERALLY! I performed @ Allstars in Houston. I have a beautiful, smart and healthy baby boy. I have a successful career. Im blessed and I may not like the way certain things are in my life but there's countless numbers who would love to be in my shoes so in the end I can't complain. Till 2morrow, im outtie! Hollerrrr.
Well today is our last day here in Clearwater on Sand Key Beach. Im definitely coming back. I think this is my new getaway. Its only abt 2hrs away and it looks like a little piece of Heaven. I called the Bellboy to come get our stuff and Erica took Bray downstairs. I stayed behind about 20 minutes to look back on my trip out here. I walked on the balcony and for the first time I let go. I let it all go. The anger, the hurt, the hard times, everything. Id be trying to stay in control for so long even the tears that fell I controlled. I used to tell myself no 1 is worth my tears. Well, that's not true because if no 1 is worth your tears then that means they never had your heart. So for those 20 minutes I cried and I screamed. It felt good. I screamed @ the top of my lungs and the people downstairs by the pool heard me and looked up. I didn't care. I needed it. Id kept those feelings in so long it was unhealthy. I let an anonymous email linking me 2 a page send me to the hospital with a severe panic/anxiety attack and high blood pressure. Id let someone back in that didn't deserve to be there so easily. I took the rest of my time up there to reflect and make a promise to myself and God. I don't remember the exact words but it kindof went like this:
Its me again. I kno I've disappointed you and I've walked away from you a lot this past year. I gave my life to you almost a year ago and I still haven't learned. Im trying God, I really am. I can't do this without you. I need you. I need you in my heart, my soul and my mind. I need you for my strength and my guidance. I need you for when I don't know what to do or what to say. I need you to keep him around strong male figures like my dad, my brother, my uncles and my friends. I mostly need you to be in his heart and let him know I tried. Its hard but I know you have good reasons. I love you and I need you so much right now. Im fallin to my knees so many times to you and now I just want to stand. I want to be that girl everyone admired and wanted their daughters to be like again. I want to be that strong woman who walked with her head held high. I want to be the child you want me to be. I know I may not do everything in your will and I know I will sin. Im not perfect but I am your child. I promise to try my best from this day forward to not turn my back on you. I promise to keep my life in your hands. I promise to treat my body and mind like a temple because I am a Black Queen. I promise to take all the things I may not agree with as a lesson and not try to force what you don't see for me. I promise to put you 1st and my son 2nd. My family 3rd and my career 4th. I promise God because I know you are steering me to the Real happiness. I need all these lessons in order to appreciate the blessing you are setting forth for me. I love you God. Help me. I need you, I love you and you are my Everything. Amen.
With that prayer, I signed my bill, left it on the counter and grabbed the doorknob. I said one last thing, this time to myself. I left room 504 at the Marriot Suites on Sand Key Beach. I didn't just leave the room, I left all the mental baggage I brought in there and walked out a free woman.