Dear Jesus,
I know we are all waiting for your return. I know we're all contemplating if we've done the right thing or if we believe strong enough. Well I'll be honest.... I'm not 100% sure if you are real & I don't go to church every Sunday...To be even more honest I haven't been in quite a long time BUT I do listen to church music a lot....really I do! My excuse? There really isnt a good one....i just like to sleep in on weekends...I know that's horrible to say but I know lying is a sin. I get really tired with Braylon. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make sure he's following the right path & Im in need of constant reassurance from my family & friends. I spend so much time with him that it's exhausting. I feel guilty sometimes when I say Mommy's tired. But even moreso, I get so proud every time he gets moved up in school because he's far beyond his age bracket in terms of academics. I don't want that to change so I'm always counting, always reading, always playing, & always spoiling him. I know you are watching over him & without you being there to guide him when I can't I'd be nervous.
On another note...I just feel sometimes your father has put things on me that I don't understand. Whether its miniature drama or blasted across the internet i know theres a reason. Sure the saying goes " He'll never put more on you than you can bare" and sure it's all made me stronger but why me? I have so many questions that I need answers to. I know I shouldn't question you or Him but I'm only human right? I'm far from perfect & even today I laughed at individuals I considered psychopaths. Ok ok ok...that was mean but i really think it's true. They have a serious problem. Anyways, with that I know everyone is Gods child & he spent more time on others & maybe left a few screws loose for humor.....ok sorry again....you know me...I got jokes.
For real though, when or if your return before I die....can you please just give me a break? I'm really trying to do right. I drink yes, but I've never smoked a day in my life....heck y'all drink wine right? I know God doesn't make mistakes and everything happens for a reason but sometimes it hurts like crazy. I've lost a lot off people in my life that I miss dearly & I feel your hand on me when I cry. I will ask that you let both my grandmothers, my grandfather, my cousin, & my friends that you've taken know i love and miss them dearly. I've been through a lot most people have no idea about because I'm a lot stronger from it .....however, it still hurts.
Basically, I just wish that you keep me standing & you keep me strong. I know everything I'm going through has a purpose & eventually I'll know what that is. I know that when I get weak you pick me up. I know when I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place you give me wings. I know when I'm surrounded by 4 walls you give me a shovel, I get it. I'm just waiting to understand why & when all the drama is going to be over. Lastly, please dont think im questioning you and your fathers choices...i know i was chosen for this life for a reason....If its ANYTHING ive learned thru all this its that I know it's not on my time.... Its on your fathers ....and it always right on time. I just hope you continue to be there for me when I feel like giving up. I need you to be not only the rainbow when the storm is over but also my umbrella thru the storm..
I love you,
Royce
Gods Child
2 comments:
I hear your heart; As you know sometimes God allows trials and tribulations in order to get our undivided attention. We couldn't hear him cause some times we go to far away. Perhaps He's got plans for you to do big things. The higher you go the deeper you must grow because what your talent and ability can build for you over the years your character can tear down in days. You always get dirty when you're digging. Life is a great teacher but before you go to the next level you must learn the lessons at the present level. Remember you can know something and not learn it. Application is the evidence of learning. NBL
Royce, I don't know why I went to your blog but I am glad I did. You say, you don't know if God is real and you title your blog "a deceased person" you would like to meet, well first and foremost Jesus isn't deceased because you can't ask a dead person questions. I am a Christian and that part really bother me but it is okay because you even know that Jesus can work things out in your life.
Yes, we all have go through and endure because God want us to lean and depend on him. You asked alot of "why" questions, let me tell you Royce, if you just pick up the Bible and read it those "why" questions would be answered. Everything you went through and going through now is in the Bible and God show everyone that went through...IF you believe and trust in me I will bring you out.
Royce, get to know God and know he is real because there is no need for you to have all of those questions and concerns directed to a God you are unsure of. I will lift you up in prayer and sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves first and ask the question "why"
Be Bless!!
Ericka
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