AWWWWWWW SHOOOOOOOT! I HAVE HIT THE 10,000 HITS MARK! Thanks for the love! Life is good! Everything is working out. God is definitely on my side and keeping my mind at ease. You know the saying "When life gets too hard to stand...Kneel!". Well 2 months ago I did that and ever since things have been slowly but surely picking themselves back up. I think God has a way of slapping you (meaning bringing obstacles you think you cant conquer) so you remember who He is and what He's there for. I tend to forget sometimes so he slaps me alot. Im learning tho. Im happy. Ive made sure that every night I pray and if I 4get to get on my knees on the side of the bed I give my thanks and promises to Him in my pillow. When I wake up I try to thank Him for life and if I forget, when I do remember, even if its 3PM I say it then. Theres too many blessings Ive been given to let small things get in the way. Im writing again which is a good purge for me so I dont always lash out and make rash decisions. Of course my deep thoughts go in my personal journal. Im excited Christmas is almost here. Its one of my favorite Holidays. I like baking and decorating and just the warm feeling you get around this time.





On another note...funny story...I went to get a Slurpee (Coke Flavored) the other night and my son was with me. This older lady comes up to me and first says "Put a hat on that babys head its cold outside". I looked at her, tried to stay respectful and said "We're inside now maam.". Mind you Braylon was wearing a Warmup Suit with that had a Hoody on it so clearly he had the hoody on when I first walked in the store. 2nd, she said "I tell you these kids these days havin these babies so young, just ruinin their lives". Okay sooooooo I said I TRIED to stay respectful right?! Well...when she made that statement she said it walkin off so I politely (NOT) said "Excuse me?". She turned around and she said it back to me "Excuse me?". I said "Did you say something?". She said "Youre a baby, you dont know how to raise a child, youre a child yourself. You cant be over 15 or 16". I had to catch myself but I said "Well, first of all maaaaaam, Im not a child, im 28 years old and Im a great mother. I have a College Degree and I own my own Company. But for future reference, even if I WAS 15 years old, youre not my mother and that doesnt give you a right to criticize my parenting. Have a good night.". Now, maybe that was kinda rude but I dont care. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME ISH ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! EVEN IF I WAS 15 HOW DOES SHE KNOW IF I WAS A GOOD MOTHER OR NOT?! Anyways, like I always say, Braylon has and will ALWAYS have 1 mother. I dont need people puttin in their 2 cents. He's happy and Im always getting compliments on how well Im raising him...THAAAAAANKS! I laughed it off when I got home with my SuperSized Coke Slurpee! Woop Woop! Hahaha

Moving on... CAYLEE ANTHONY...WOW! I"ll have to touch on that tomorrow! But thank God they found her...

TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY!

Today was such a good day I had to blog about it. Every part of it was awesome. Thats why I chose that photo. Love, Friendship and Hugs. 1st I have to give a shout out to my mom...its her Birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! Whats funny is she has never even seen this blog. Until last week she thought I meant blog on myspace. Shes not too keen on this idea because she knows how I can vent sometimes and write unnecessary things or put out too much information about my personal issues. Gotta love her. Shes right but Im learning. I bought a journal so I put all the deep stuff in there.






First, however, Id like to give this weeks shout out to the Dentist Office in Maitland. I wont put your full business name on here since I dont get paid for advertising. Youve been coming to my blog 4 times a day, everyday and I really appreciate it! Thanks for the love! (wink wink).







2nd! I had a really good conversation with someone today who really put my heart at ease. Thanks a bunch! I feel a lot better! Hope...Faith....and God!




3rd! All my Christmas decorations are up and Braylon looooooves them! He's been trying to grab all the Tree Ornaments and anything else he can reach but its fun seeing his eyes get big and glow when he sees the tree light up or the candles lit. Theres a Christmas Winnie the Pooh thats his size also and he runs to it when he sees it. Its soooo cute. He LOOOOOVES Pooh Bear! This is his 1st real Christmas since last year he was still smushface and we didnt have ANY decorations at all cuz I was wakin up with him every hour. I was a Zombie in '07 now im a true Mommy in '08. I cant wait to start baking cookies and cakes next week and letting him lick the beater from the bowl like I used to...well still do lolol. Im anticipating getting all his gifts and putting them under the tree when he falls asleep. OMG Im so excited. But back to today. Braylon does not act like your average 1 year old. Hes been playing chase since he was 9 months old and 2day he started putting his toys back in his toy chest. I was soooo shocked. I know its a small thing but to me its a big deal. I watched him with my mouth wide open and he turned around after he put 1 toy in and smiled...then he ran to me laughing. It was the cuuuuutest thing. He knows the meaning of No also so each time he goes after a tree ornament and i say no he turns around, crosses both hands across his chest and lifts his shoulder up. Hahahaha. He is such an angel. Hes the biggest blessing in the world and I honestly cant imagine my life without him...like what did I do before lolol.








4th
I got the letter saying I can transfer my dance studio to Non-Profit! SO that means I can scholarship A LOT of kids and get them off the streets. Ill be able to do soooo much more than I can do now and Im extremely excited about that. I foresee my studio being the Alvin Ailey of Central Florida but more diverse!

Speaking of the Studio! The adult company aka the Elite Dance Company of Diversity Dance Company are performing as the Soul Entertainment this Saturday at 6PM. We are performing 4 routines at New Covenant Baptist Church in Orlando, FL for their Founders Day Celebration. Its going to be great! Theres 7 of us dancing this show! Come and show your support and join the Church if you havent found a Church Home and you like it. Ive been attending there for a while and I love it. Its not 2 big, not 2 small. Its just right and its very prestigious in Orlando. To learn a little about them go to Newcovenant.org. Mrs Bracy holds a delegate seat, Rev Bracy is president of the NAACP Chapter here in Orlando and they have done a lot for our City and beyond. I could go on and on about who attends the Church but that doesnt matter, its just a GREAT CHURCH and I love that everyone knows, helps, and give advice to each other!








5th...
Im alive! I woke up today! On top of that I woke up extremely tired, bought a new phone, and started my day. I thought it was going to be a bummer but as the time went on and the Holiday spirit got to me, the day just got better and better! I Love it! Im so happy right now! Im looking forward to what happens in the new year because I think a lot of things are going to change. Well, Ill rephrase that... I KNOW a lot of things are going to change and Im anticipating a lot of shock and happy people! lolol. Peace out! Holler! Im outttiiiiieeeeeeeee!

Back to work....

Today I went back to work at my Dance Studio. When I tell you it all hit me at once, Im swamped. We have a show coming up where our Elite Company which is the adults are performing 4 dances that we have 3 days 2 make up, clean and perform to the utmost ability...and we will. Im not worried...just sore. Business is picking up and I think in order to get the inner city kids Im trying to help Im going to have to turn into a non-profit dance studio so they know for a fact its free. Its more about them than anyone else. Gotta love the kids....but speaking of kids. Im once again without a phone because Braylon my son broke mine AGAIN tonight while we were rehearsing. I could kinda tell it was done because he banged it one to many times before I could get it from him. You know that point where your head kinda tilts because you think you know something but you have no idea??? Yea, thats how it felt when he thru it down the last time and walked away from it like he was proud of himself. It was literally like 5 seconds before I got to him. Oh well, its just a phone. I didnt really like the G1 that much anyways....okay I did but I miss my sidekick. I kinda have this thing about buying the same phone in a row so after I dropped my sidekick in the water while I was getting a pedicure(dont laugh, I know my feet are ugly but I still try dangit lolol) I decided to get the G1. Now, Im going back to the kick... I really like the Blackberry Touch but Tmobile doesnt carry it so blah. On top of that...last night I decorated my place for Braylons 1st real Christmas. What can I say but it almost looks like a magazine...almost...Im getting there... Anyways, we built a Gingerbread House...it was really cute and I was soooooo proud of it. I put the house together myself and had some help putting on the candy. I was soooo excited! Well, after it was finished and I kept fighting everyone, even Braylon, from stealing all the candy balls, I took a shower to get all the frosting off. After that, I put Bray down to sleep and went back downstairs. My beautiful Gingerbread House...my Masterpiece...collapsed. The walls fell off and the side with the door was on the floor broken in half with my dog JJ eating the little pieces. I literally just stood by the stairs and looked at it. My mouth dropped. I was soooo proud of it yall! My heart sunk and then Christy walks in and just BURSTS out laughing! I just looked at her and dropped my head. I walked over, tried to put it back together then just settled for it laying on top of each other. Thats where it is now, and thats where it will STAY until the Day after Christmas! I had a picture, but I took it on my phone...we already know what happened with that lolol. Hahahahahaha! Well, Im sleepy now, so Imma call it a night. Im outtie! Hollerrrrr!

Back from Vacation...

Well,
Hawaii was fun! I went with my parents, my brother and my son Braylon. It was soooo beautiful. I tell you, living in Orlando...well Florida period, we dont have anything that really screams culture. We also dont have the Natural Scenery that makes you stop and stare. I definitely didnt take my trip for granted. We went to almost every Beach on the Island of Kauai and also went to the Canyons, and waterfalls. We saw a Luau and I learned how to Hula Dance. They called me out from the audience during the actual show because they saw me learning earlier and thought I was good (they never knew I was a real dancer so thats our little secret lolol). One thing special about the island we were on was the fact that they had Roosters and Chickens running around like regular birds. NO LIE! It was crazy! We actually got chased by a Rooster when we were trying to get back in the car from the Souvenier Shop. Along with that I got my big Coconut and we chewed some wild Sugarcane. Oh, we also had some fruit that comes from Dubai called Rambuton...or something like that and it was sooooo good. Im a fruit freak so I looooove trying new fruits. Persimmons are my FAVORITE by far!

One of the beaches we went to was closed due to the high waves but we took pictures. They were literally 18-20 feet high! I was like dang is this Hawaii 5-O? I thought the movies just enhanced waves but when we saw them we were like wtf! They had some surf competition while we were there too and it showed a guy surfing a wave over 20 feet high wipeout and not come up for like 2 minutes. Everyone was like ummmmmm.....but hes fine. He didnt go back in tho hahaha. We ate pretty much everything cultural while there from pig to lychee nuts. I fed the birds that just fly in your room like they belong there. They eat out your hand and it makes you feel like youre in paradise. There were Turtle Doves, red birds, some bird that were black, orange and white and some others. I may sound lame but its the little stuff like that that makes me smile and happy. Doesnt take much huh? hahaha It was a great experience and I definitely want to go back. I love going to other Cultures and learning about them. I was born in Orlando but a lot of people ask me "What are you?". I say Black but yea I do have some other ish in me. Dominican, Seminole and just Black actually lol. I dont just say it, I really am...I just dont brag because I dont speak another language and although I was raised to know alot about my personal culture I still want to learn more. I love being BLACK! I love my history, my ancestors, what we as a people have come thru and become. Theres some races that have NO culture or traditions at all. I cant imagine that. I dont know how you would keep up a conversation with no culture, no traditions, no real history....what would you teach your kids...what would you talk about? I dont know I just think its kinda boring. Well, till later, Im outtie! Holler!

Great Weekend...

Well, as you see in the Title of this post I had a GREAT Weekend. We (FAMU) won the Classic...actually we kicked their A's lolol. It was fun! The band was awesome as usual and the food vendors were as good as they always are. I went out Saturday night and had a ball. Sunday was Brays Birthday Party at Monkey Joes and it was soooo much fun! All the kids had a good time and you can never go wrong with giving them Pizza so that always works. After all it was about the kids and mainly Braylon! Everyone came together for this special day and it felt great! No drama, no tears, just love, peace and happiness. The way it should always be no matter what!


With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. Thanks for my healthy and handsome little boy, my family, my friends, life, success, getting thru, strength, and happiness. I know Ive had some hard times this year and granted a few things need to be talked about personally and not blasted on my blog lolol but God has my life in His hands and Im mostly thankful for that. Ive found out a lot this past month and I think its helped me realize why a lot of things happened. Personal shout out to Officer ENR! I appreciate the IP trace. You changed my outlook on everything and Ive been able to forgive because they cannot see. Lastly, Id like to say that someone told me that its hard to accept things when theyre the way they are. My advice to that is.."You only have to accept the things you CANNOT change, not the things you CAN!". Remember the Serenity Prayer:


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.



With that, I close and say God Bless you all and thanks for all your encouragement in your comments and mostly through your emails. Im off to Hawaii for a week and 2 days to stay in my parents Timeshare. We're going to have a great time! Its my first time going 2 Hawaii even tho Ive been everywhere else. I cant wait! Im outtie! Holler!!!!!!!

WHY...

Has any1 besides me ever wondered why you always speak your mind and your heart after youve had a few drinks? Like 2nite...Its Classic Weekend...Saturday night...I had a ball...but towards the end of the night I started thinking....Thinking about ish thats happened in the past month and a half and I started hurting. It sucked. I was having so much fun. But like always, as things wind down you start thinking about life... I actually ended up going to someone and asking a question about something that happened 2 weeks ago. Why? Im not supposed to care... Why do we hold on to things that we KNOW arent meant to be... Things that we know we deserve better than... things that are staring us right in the face? I hate it. I let go... so i Thought. I want to let go...dont I? I think when ure tipsy you face reality to the point theres no barrier and you just dont care. You speak ur mind and u feel ur heart. Ure kinda forced to... and theres no way around it. I think thats a way of purging... a way of getting out the feelings uve locked in for so long and now u have to let them go. Tonight I realized that I was holding on...to hurt... I gotta let that go. I gotta realize Im not gonna get the answer why or what if...I just gotta let go...thats ok... finally. I know its not gonna happen overnight but I have to eventually let the past be the past so I can open my eyes to the future. On another note. I did have fun. I finally met my blog rival DO and he was actually really cool. I think my teeth are straighter but thats another argument. He was really sweet and I have to say that if things were diff...nevermind lolol. Im goin to sleep before I start typing too much. Im still a lil tipsy...

FAMU VS BCU Classic Weekend

Whats up yall?! As most of you already know I am a Rattler and this weekend marks CLASSIC WEEKEND! The largest HBCU Classic in the World. YES ITS PROVEN so dont think Im just giving my opinion. This classic STILL hold the record for the Citrus Bowl here in Orlando with over 80,000 fans in the stands! Ive been sick the past few days but its hasnt kept me from taking Bray to the Character Breakfast and Seaworld for his 1st Birthday. Hes 1! OMG time flies and hes such a blessing! Just look at the picture from the day he was born till now. Hes grown so much! I love it but I miss it 2! Its going a little too fast! Well like I said this cold or whatever I have... It wont keep me from the game and goin out, nor will it keep me from Brays party on Sunday. If youre not in Orlando this weekend I feel sorry for you lolol just kidding but you will miss a great weekend! Goooo FAMU!!! As much as that school put me thru I realize it was all to teach me to get thru hard times and make me stronger.

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE...HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TO MY SON BRAYLON!

Today marks the 1st Birthday for my little boy. This time last year Id just seen his face for the first time. After almost 3 days of labor I was told I had to have a C-Section. Id been having serious contractions and they were now about 2-3 minutes apart. I wasnt progressing and his heartrate started dropping again. The inserts werent working and they wanted to play it safe. They prepped me for an epidural and my mom prayed and held my hands while they put the long needle in my back. Soon after from my chest down I was numb. I said bye to my brother and he hugged me with a few words of support "Its gonna be okay...love you sidder". That was the moment when the idea of being a soldier and staying strong went out the window. I started crying. I was scared. Terrified. My mom hugged me and said she was wondering when I was going to break...well I finally did. One of my best friends Christy, and my dad were waiting for me. A few messages were sent to others who mightve wanted to be there but I realized I was gonna have to do this with my mom and that was fine. The rolled me in the room, put the sheet up, tied my arms down, and put the cap on my head. My mom and the nurse were talking to me and my upper body was shaking. I could barely speak I was so scared. Then at 9:31AM November 18, 2007, I heard my Dr. say "Grandma, you wanna watch?" My mom stood up and all I heard her say was "Oh my God, Oh my God, look at my Grandson!" and she started crying. I was saying I wanna see over and over again until I heard his cry. It was so faint, so small, so precious. At that moment I knew I was gonna be okay. They put him on my chest and let me kiss him. It was by far the best moment of my life. I will never forget that moment. After that they took him away to wash him up and finish my surgery. I didnt see him again for about 3 hours. When I got back to my room, everytime the door opened I thought it was gonna be one of two people. My baby or someone else. I got one in the deal and thats the one that matters. When they brought him in the room, nothing else mattered. His precious and innocent little face. So beautiful, so soft, such a blessing. I couldnt ask for anything else. The moment I was finally able to hold him for the 1st time is when I finally realized I was gonna be a great mom. I had no idea before that moment but once I held him the instincts kicked in. This was the person that was just inside me. I kept him safe for 9 months and now Im vowing to keep him safe the rest of my life. That whole day I held him unless the Dr needed to do a check, or one of my friends and family members wanted to hold him. Even when he slept he was on me. I didnt want to let him go. When we decided to turn on the TV that afternoon, we saw a game on. It was in Orlando. They won...I guess we both came out on top that day!

1 day before...

Well, this time last year I was probably just waking up from an 8 hour nap. Yes NAP! Earlier in the day my painful contractions had gotten to be unbearable so instead of getting an epidural, I decided to take Stadol. Funny story... apparently when they were shootin me up with Stadol they had to use a chaser to make it go faster and it went a lot faster than planned. I dont remember what happened but I was told I went crazy hyper for 20 seconds then literally just fell over sleep. My mom told me that I started laughing and dancing and just acting realllllly happy. Then all of a sudden I just laid out on my pillow. I wish theyd recorded it because that wouldve been good for memories but nope no video :o(. Anyways, as of now Ive gone thru 2 Prostagladins inserts with no progress. Theyre supposed to last 12 hours so Im going to get one more im told. So Ive been in labor for 2 days. Nothing much happened today except I caused a few people to miss the game. Go FAMU! Hahahahaha. Tomorrow...different story...lets just say, it all came down at once...till 2morrow...

2 days...

A year ago today at this time I was laying in a Hospital bed with all the wires and tubes sticking in me. I was being pampered at Winnie Palmer Hospital, the BEST Hospital for Women and Children. When I tell you I felt like I was at a resort that is NO LIE. The food was great and it was purely room service. Each room is set up literally like a hotel room with a bed for the mother giving birth and another for 1 family member. My person was my mother. My ROCK! I got a lot of visitors that day from my family and my friends who were in town for the Classic or who just lived in Orlando anyway. That was no 1 but God doing that because He knew I needed as much support as I could get and why not let it be when everyone is in town. Now, going back a few hours....





I was admitted into the Hospital Friday November 16, at 3:33AM. I thought that was weird because 3 is my favorite number. Id been in a LOT of pain the day before and I tried hard to sleep it off. I ended up calling my family around midnite to tell them I needed some1 to come and stay with me because I was in so much pain and might have to go in. My contractions had started again and this time were extremely painful. My brother came and watched TV with me upstairs until I fell asleep. I woke up gasping from a strong contraction and tried to yell for my brother. He was downstairs. I ended up having to throw the remote control at my door and he rushed in. I said out of breath and in tears "we gotta go, we gotta go, I cant take this". He tried to calm me down and asked me where my bag was (id been to triage so many times he knew the routine lol). I told him it was downstairs and he put it in the car before coming to get me. He walked me down the stairs and into the car. On the way to the hospital he called my parents and told them we were going in. They said ok let them know if I get admitted. We got to the hospital around 3AM. They took me in to monitor me about 5 minutes later. I was being monitored for about 20 minutes then they sent me back outside. The lady called me into the side room to sign paperwork. Thats when I knew but I needed to hear it. I asked whats this for. She told me "We're going to admit you because your contractions are close and they babys heartrate is dropping dangerously low. I immediately got scared and asked so what does that mean? When am I going home? She replied "Not until you have a baby". I turned around and looked at my brother who was smiling and I couldnt figure out how to feel. I was scared yes, but I was also anxious because I was going to finally see the human being whose been moving inside of me for all these months and kicking and punching me from the inside. Despite the pain, I felt comfortable and safe having him there because I had NO IDEA how to be a mother but I was ready to meet him all the same.

Once I got to my room I emailed everyone on my mailing list. My mom did the same thing when she got to work that morning to cancel all her appointments. I received a few phone calls and several visits. They were filling me up with water because I was again dehydrated and my face and whole body instantly started swelling up. As shallow as it may sound, I was upset because id only gained 23lbs my whole pregnancy and now here they are filling me up with 10lbs of water. I looked fat all in a matter of hours! Well, that day I just sat there and watched TV, ordered room service 3 times...the personal pan peperoni pizza, and the breakfast omelette were my favorites even tho they had steak and all that other ish too lol. They started giving me a medication insert called a Prostaglandin in order to help me progress and dilate because although my contractions were strong enough, he had no where to go if I wouldnt open up. With painful checks every 12 hours, and contractions every 5 minutes I still didnt want an epidural. I wanted to hold out as long as possible. I guess I figured...Id been in pain for this long, I can wait a little while longer....



That was 2 days before.....

Stalkers...

Okay...sooo before I get to my post later 2nite about the countdown I felt the need to blog about this again. 1st, I got the full address of the main person whose been leaving comments on all these random comment/message boards and it kinda shocked me. I feel like I already knew but its always worse when you see it on paper. Theyve been coming to my page like everyday along with a few other but this 1 in particular was a little suspect to me. I mentioned a little story about this person a few blogs ago so I wont elaborate on that. What I will say, however, is that it takes a very cold hearted, envious, selfish, and hungry person to do what they did. Its extremely obvious as to why certain people attempt to ruin the lives of others in order to only help themselves. It takes a very manipulative person to be able to say and do so much via internet then pretend as if they have no idea what happened or play savior. When someone goes as far as 2 separate a person from their child because of attention or fear of losing them it becomes a more serious matter. The way its done however is never really face to face, its behind the back. Im saying this because Ive been there before. I remember being in a relationship in college when my ex thought I was cheating on him with a gay guy. He proceeded to turn my roommates (which Id known since HS) against me with lying, fake emails, plotting, stealing, and even vandalizing one of their cars. All the blame was put on me and for over a year after it happened they believed it. He was gorgeous, soft spoken, silly, in school, our age, a model, and everyone LOVED him. He was one of those you'd least expect to do anything crazy but it "wasnt in his character". Well, Ive never really had to prove myself until that moment. I was forced to move out of my apt because my roommates had turned into evil people all due to hearsay. They were breaking my things, leaving threats on my door, prank calling my phone, gettin in my face like they wanted to fight, etc. It was probably one of the most awful experiences Ive ever been thru. I stayed with another friend for the last 2 wks before I graduated and when I went to get my stuff from my apt, theyd broken in my room claiming I had stuff of theirs. This is after I let one of them borrow my clothes because she didnt have many, another I gave my extra TV that was for the living room because she didnt have one in her room, and the same 1 with no clothes, I gave my extra comforter set because she didnt have that either. I cooked for these people and I was there for them no matter what. BUT 1 person, a jealous boyfriend that didnt have the signs, turned all that around. For a year I dealt with losing 3 friends and couldnt believe it...A YEAR! Then one day I got a message from LF saying he was sorry. Saying he missed me. Saying he didnt know my friend was gay and after he said everything it was too late to take it back so he let it continue. That hurt. I couldve sent that message to my former roommates/friends but I didnt. I felt that if our friendship and everything I did for them wasnt strong enough to get past a lying boyfriend then they werent worth it. I do see 2 of them on occassion and we speak like nothing ever happened. It was brought up once with 1 of them and they said after speaking with their mother they realized it probably wasnt true. However, they never came to me. I asked why she never said anything and her excuse was "I felt bad...". Well, so did I. We were too close to let that happen. Now we're just associates. My point in this blog is that no one should be able to come between those who mean the most to you. Theres a reason certain people are in your life. The devil comes in all disguises and its always hard to figure him out. That ex boyfriend? No he didnt go to jail or do something crazy to go to a psych ward...I know thats what yall thought I was gonna say. Hes still a little different but still puts on that charm and innocence. Maybe thats why I get so upset. Because Ive been there before and I see it happening to someone else. However, its not just someone else...this time it involves families, a child, friends, etc. All for what. Its not worth it. Its just gonna get worse. Its sad but it is. To the person Im talkin about. This message was for you. Im not trying to be TOO mean sweetheart but I do know your motives. Youre not in love, youre hungry. Youre desperate. So youre taking things too far. Understand that whats meant to be will be. All the threats, anonymous messages, and stalking is uncalled for. I dont know you, I know of you. You dont know me, you know of me. I lost respect for you long time ago with one statement I was told about you. Thats not going 2 change. We dont care for each other...so what. That gives you NO right to come between the 2 of them. Thats sick! Cold hearted and just plain wrong. The fact that youve accomplished (isnt that your word) the tearing apart of several people to draw you in closer is only the Devils doing. One day God is going to take control. I think right now Hes hoping you fix it yourself. All I asked for was an apology and for you 2 stop. You havent. I dont know how youre doing it but you must be really good. Saying and doing ALL THE RIGHT THINGS face to face then going back to say and do all the wrong things by yourself or with ur friends. What kind of person are you? Youre sick! Kinda crazy and deranged to. Smiling and pretending only gets so far. It may be a month, it may be years...it may be at the deciding moment that payback is given. I can do a lot but imma leave it to God cuz as much as I would love to kick your ass, Imma let God handle it. I just hope the other party wakes up before its 2 late.

Time to reflect... 4 days before...

As I sit here, Im reminiscing about the last few days of my pregnancy a year ago. Its 4 days before his birthday and I remember what I was doing to the T. I was in pain! I was also crying. I was extremely emotional and stressed. A little over a month before, Id been to the Dr and I remember falling in front of the Dr office because I was running from a bumblebee. My brother cursed me OUT and said I was being ridiculous because it was "just a bee"...whatever...I dont like bugs. Anyways, when my dr felt my belly I was told that his heart wasnt beating fast enough anymore and I needed to go to triage. From that day forward I lived in fear. I started praying more than I had in the past. I was asking for forgiveness for everything I might have done wrong and didnt realize it. I cried because I realized Id taken my whole pregnancy as a bad thing instead of a blessing. I was so angry that I stopped realizing how great it was to feel my baby move inside my belly. I stopped letting other people feel it too. I was ashamed. I was hurt. I was heartbroken. I stopped caring. Then I had another scare. I started having contractions. I went back to the dr and I was sent to triage again. They put me on full bedrest. That Sunday I got saved and Ive never cried so much in my life. I fell limp but when it was over, I felt free.




4 days and counting down.....
The weekend my baby was born was Classic Weekend. I remember sitting down that Thursday morning and having a sudden pain in my back. I called my parents and my brother and told them I needed company. My brother came and checked on me and I thought I was fine. The rest of the day I sat on the big rubber ball and prayed that everything was fine. I ate 4 pickled hot sausages and some cake batter (its true what they say...your cravings are soooo random). I guess I wont be making it to the Classic Festivities this year I told myself...Ill just chill on the sofa or in the bed...Im supposed to be on bedrest anyways right??? .That was 4 days before....

TODAY'S SHOUT OUT!!!

Id like to give a shout out to L,B,and B outta Chi-Tooooooooooowwwnnnnn! You seem to be turning into a loyal fan of my page by checking in EVERYDAY! I hope you enjoy it! Thankssssss! Smooches! Im outtie! Hollerrrrr!

I got to thinking....

As I sit here tonight.. Im thinking about all the things going on in my life right now and just how blessed I really am. I tend to lose sight on these things because there are ppl who constantly bring drama into my life. Problem is, I let them do it.

1st..These IP traces, people in general, and when things dont go my way I cant change. I can press charges and bring MORE drama or I can just show the proof in hopes that they will stop. If not, I guess Im just that much of a threat so I should take it as a compliment and find it flattering. I originally traced one in particular because I was getting stupid messages on myspace linking me to a page. After I got smart I realized I could trace the page there 2 and I ended up realizing the IP address matched a frequent visitor on my blog. I mainly just wanted to know where the location was. When I found out the City I got a little more curious and hired someone to trace it a little farther. Make a long story short, I ended up finding out who it was and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Same person has been posting EVERYWHERE! Nasty stuff abt me, my child, and I guess to cover their tracks the other party 2. Kinda psycho/crazy someone can pretend to be someone else so well. Reminds me of the movies Misery and Fatal Attraction. But I dont think theyre that bad...just young and immature...well hopefully hahaha. Now I just laugh because I think its funny. This person has been trying to turn ppl against each other and then play the shoulder to cry on. It worked so I cant say they didnt succeed but at least I know why certain things happened and that those of us who kinda knew werent goin crazy.







2nd...People in general. I hate stupid humans. The ones who dont know how to drive and the ones who wear socks with flip flops. Okay maybe hate is a strong word but come on...who drives 40 in the fast lane...who pulls out extremely fast because they dont want to wait for some1 whose clearly going above 50 to pass... then they slow down...better yet who blows at someone for something THEY DID??? Thats stupid! Also, I dont understand why its so hard to talk and drive at the same time but maybe thats just me. If you cant do it and at least go the speed limit without coming in MY LANE, dont do it! Texting is another story...thats just dumb! I mean, I understand when youre at a red light or something but if youre on I4 trynna tell me what happened to to you 2day, you might as well tell me youre trynna commit suicide too! Now the flip flop thing...isnt that just a little uncomfortable? Like, your socks dont have a space in between them for the flip flop to fit between so why the heck are you wearing SOCKS! Put on some dang sneakers! Not to mention its just ugly. Thats worse than socks with sandals. Oh and foreal...the baggy pants look is out! If you have to pull them up every 2 steps thats a problem. Did yall not see that documentary on Jail about how they find that attractive and thats where it started...on deathrow/prison? So gay! Dudes walkin around thinkin they look all thugged out and manly when its really feminine and sexy! Hahahaha! Wow! Imma start questioning all of em...gay gay gay. I love gay guys, best friends ever, so Imma hit all yall up! I brought this up cuz I saw a dude at Target today with dreads, gold teeth, a wife beater and pants that looked like he wrapped a big ass comforter around his legs. He of course tried to holla and Braylon looked at him and tried to pull his hair. He smelled like straight weed 2...ewww! Anyways, back to the story, I asked him why his pants were so big and he said "aaaaw u kno baby"...i said "nooo i dont" Then I started laughing and said "Are you wearin spongebob drawls...not drawers..I said drawls?" He asked me if that was a problem...I said nah but u out here trynna be all bad ass wearing a nickelodeon character. He coulda shot me but he didnt. He did leave tho after sayin "man u trippin"...I wanted to say nahhh ure gay! Ill have some more stupid human stories later...I might make this a weekly thing hahaha. Moving on...






3rd...just when I thought all dudes suck...I meet someone. I not gonna elaborate too much rt now but just know hes the real deal. He can deal with me so thats the main thing lolol. He loves my clumsy, real, blunt, emotional, goofy, and country self. I feel like ive known him before...its crazy. We just mesh...Im extremely picky so for me to actually like someone enuf 2 talk abt them is real!I may have found our King! But, God only knows the purpose. Maybe hes here for a month, a year, or forever...but all I know is everyday, when we're together it grows and Im enjoying every moment of feeling special to someone...Maybe hes meant to teach me, maybe Im meant to learn...Maybe it wont last but just help me understand what I deserve. I dont know but Im ready for whatever Gods throwing at me...

ANOTHER QUESTIONABLE IP ADDRESS

THIS ONE IS A LITTLE SUSPECT TO ME...ITS NEW



Lake Mary, Florida, United States
Spiderhost (208.66.45.35)



IT ALSO SAYS THIS IS AN IPHONE AND THEY CAME TO MY PAGE AT 21:41PM TODAY...COME ON NOW PPL! STOP PLAYIN...I HAVE A STRONG IDEA OF WHO THIS MAY BE BUT IT DOESNT SEEM LIKE THEYVE POSTED ANYWHERE ON ANY SITES...AT LEAST NOT FROM THEIR PHONE. DID YOU THINK I WAS KIDDING ABOUT MY IP TRACKER???


To the person who left this dumb comment below...why are you on my page? lolol But to answer your question...because of ppl like you but thanks...I know who you are too! Question...why are you posting from another Iphone...under AT&T???

Okay...Dummyheads!

I went out tonight and had a good times with my girls/guys. Upon my arrival home I was greeted by an email. It was sent earlier today but I wasnt able to check it until now.

P.S. Even tho you delete your anonymous myspace pages and the messages disappear after I read them (cuz you wait until I read them to delete the page so if I try to read it again it comes up as this persons page has been deleted instead of the message...can we say stalker)...I can copy and paste the messages just to keep in my archive and still get your IP address from the deleted site...its not the same address for every deleted page dumbass. So I have both your messages from the past month and OMG what a coincidence its the SAME IP address. lmao! Do you really think things are anonymous anymore for real??? Come on, with kids sending bomb threats to schools, etc, they cant keep your information secret anymore...duuuuh! Do your research! You will NEVER find my IP address on any comment boards because I DONT POST ON THEM! You however...lets just keep going....

Just so everyone knows...I have an IP tracer on my blog. That means ANYONE who visits my blog, it shows your city, your IP address, how many times youve come to my page along with the dates and times as well as how long you stayed, and the type of server you use (IE Road Runner, Bellsouth, etc). I really didnt think people were ignorant enough to send me messages from the same computer theyve talked ish about me on. But low and behold they are. Im really only talking about one person and she knows who she is. Im not going to put your business out there but this is your IP address and city...
Orange City, Florida, United States
Road Runner (24.95.244.70)
Now, I only know of one person who lives in or knows of someone who lives in Orange City. I also know the address so I KNOW WHO YOU ARE SWEETHEART. For future reference...dont use the same computer on Talk Sports, TOPIX, Baller Alert, your supposed anonymous myspace page, and your current myspace page. I know youre the one who sent the anonymous message because its the same dang IP address as your REAL PAGE! I dont know what youre insecure about but you really need to fix it. Youve come to my blog almost EVERYDAY! One time you even stayed over an hour...Ummm I dont really know what else to say but if you continue writing on these blogs, comment boards, sending me anonymous messages, (probably wrote on my car), etc Imma have to take legal action and then youre going to make both of you look bad especially because the other party is oblivious to your antics...Think about what youre doing. Youve gone to far. You got to confident...now theres proof its you! Your insecurities are getting the best of you to the point youre lying about everything. Its really sad and I dont know what it is that makes people believe you but its getting a little ridiculous dont you think? Now, I bet youre going to go to another computer...but make sure its not in Orange City or anywhere near...It always traceable...
Now, I dont want anyone to think that I just decided to trace IP addresses. I started because certain things that were being said were things that only someone close to me or the boy would know.
But anyways, back to the dummy... Youre a pathological liar and Im done with you silly girl...youre hilarious to me...you may need to get mentally tested because almost everyone knows youre lying about everything! Thats why youre always putting things on blast...what are you trying to prove sweetheart? Are you scared? Insecure? Worried? At this point you should be because you have had the Gal to ruin and come between 2 ppl...and Im not talking about me! You had that much power and manipulation to do that so I commend you but youve gotten yourself in hot water now. Get your life together and stop worrying about mine. Im/we're not interested in THAT anymore so dont worry about us worry about the next 1. I know youre only doing what youre doing because youre trying to get me upset or the other party upset with me and then you play comforter like you did nothing hahahaha. Duuuuh! But, do you girl, I aint mad atcha! lolol

Im not slow! I have a degree...too bad its not in Pharmaceutical Sales hahahahahahahaha. OMG thats the joke of the year! I know what the next step is going to be and I cant wait to blog about it...Dig yourself deeper and deeper chick...

Crazy....

Soooooo I dont know what happened for sure but apparently someone tried to break into my townhouse today. I wasnt there thank God I was actually at the Studio but I was called by my security people who told me my alarm went off. My system is connected to my cell phone cuz I dont have a house phone and I think its safer that way anyways cuz otherwise they can just cut the phone cord. Anyways, when they called I of course just said oh its fine thinking maybe the wind hit the door too hard or brays window wasnt shut all the way. Well when I got home I didnt check the front door because I always come in through the garage. I went to take the trash out right now and theres a small chip in my door where the lock is...kinda like someone was trying to force it open. Soooo right now Im sitting in my bed waiting for the cops to come. What sucks is when someone wrote on my car I learned that the security cameras at my complex dont really work. They told me they were a ploy to stop crime....WOW! Guess thats not working. Im a little nervous so my brother and my dad are going to stay with Christy and I tonight. Im kinda laming it out I know but I am really scared so dont get it twisted. I just have to stay calm ya know...thats why Im blogging. I think by my blogs if anything ever happens to me, God forbid, at least I wrote about it and it may somehow help...I dont know, maybe I watch too many movies or too many of those reality cop/detective shows. Its been really weird because ive started receiving more of my childs fathers fan mail and I recently received a note at my front door written in crayon that said "(his name) is my hero, why didnt you return my message". Of course that sounds like a little child but what message didnt I return??? I dont know. Its just crazy. Im trying to think of more things to write so I dont get myself to paranoid. Blah blah blah blah blah.....i dont know what to write I dont know what to write....,hmmmmmmm......blah blaasdkflskdfakldsksfnkkkd Ahhhhh Im hella scared, wheres my dad and brother. Christys at the game still. OMGOMGOMG.....okay calm down,....Im looking at braylon in the camera. Ive checked on him like 20 times in the past 10 minutes. Thats why I keep taking breaks from writing. I keep looking out all the windows thinking someones watching me and waiting for the lights to go out. Okay too many movies Royce...chill out....deep breaths deep breaths.....okay imma go cuz this writing isnt working. bye please pray for us. Im sure its nothing right? Maybe a stick hit the door. Maybe that chip is old and I never recognized it till now and in fact it was the wind right? okay bue. I called the security ppl back by the way, theyre the 1s that sent the cops. Okay for real im rambling and starting to shake with nerves. okay bue for real.

Blessed...

Okay, so its about 10:43PM and Brays been sleep about an hour and a half (Thank God for Daylight Savings Time cuz he normally goes around 10-1030). Ive a had an extremely stressful but blessed week. I couldnt ask for any week better than this one. Let me tell you why. I HAVE A CAREER! Im getting paid for doing what I love to do and giving back to my community while doing so. I started out my dance studio with 17 kids and no real marketing. Thats great especially with how the economy is! But in the past 3 days Ive gotten 10 more kids to sign up and several more coming in this week to do the same! Ive always been told I have a light shining bright over me and now I can see it! I dont know what it is but I have a way with kids and getting them to understand that they can do and be anything! Im a hard teacher and some say Im mean at times but after a few weeks Im getting hugs at the end of class and many thank yous from parents! Its a gift I have and I dont mind sharing it! I have my OWN company, Im still shocked when I say it but its amazing to me. Im a business woman and Ive noticed that turns a lot of dudes on lolol. Ummm thanks I guess hahaha. Im just happy that Im not sitting behind a desk working for someone in a job thats not part of my career. Even when I was working for other people I was teaching and improving my craft! I dont understand and dont take this the wrong way...how people can just sit around and do nothing or work in a dead end job. Get ur butts up and do something. I said this before but how do you feel good about yourself when you know you should be doing something. Sooner or later its going to bite u n the butt. I know people may get mad at me for saying that but this is for those who sit around and do nothing on purpose not those who actually try!
Moving on...
Braylon...the light of my life...my soul! Everyday, I love him more and more to the point I cant explain. I wonder everyday how much more can you love someone and each day it grows. Hes everything to me. Thats my baby! Hes part of me, my genes, my eyes, my lips, my complexion...me! He's climbing on top of everything of course adn its sooo funny. He turns around and laughs! His personality grows everyday and his fav game is still chase me...and its so much fun! Hes learning how to hide then jump out and say ayeee lolol. Hes learned how to tap me on my shoulder then look away like he didnt do it. He loves giving me hugs and kisses, and I have to say that when he saw me cry last week he came up to me and hugged me. That moment took every tear away and was to this day the 2nd best day of my life. The 1st being his birth. I know I talk about him alot but you have to understand that Braylon is truly an angel! Ive been through so much the past year and a half that without him being the way he is, I wouldnt be this strong. Everything I do is for him. I take pictures allll the time and I spend almost every moment with him...yes even when Im at the studio (if Im not teaching). I cant say it enough but I love him more than I love myself and once I find my someone special theyre gonna love him too!

All in all November has started out great! October ended great also. Im going to Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving for a week and a day with fam n a few friends so thats going to be awesome! Brays 1st big trip! I cant complain about anything. Im happy! I wake up smiling, I go to sleep smiling and during the day...Im just happy! Ive been more giving this week also. I offered 2 dance scholarships to girls that I saw potential in but couldnt afford the fees, and I also (this is crazy) gave a homeless 6 year old 3 toys from babies r us yesterday and said things are going to get better today...then Barack Obama became our president! I also gave her mom some money to "hopefully" get a room for a few days and some food. Yea, I kinda splurged on them but I was just in that mood. I felt it was my duty and Im happy I did it. Well my battery is about to go out on my computer and I left the charger at the studio so till later...Im outtie! Holler! God Bless, Dont worry be happy and kisses! xoxoxo

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!

That sounds so good! Its amazing that there are still some African Americans that dont realize what an impact this is on our lives. This man isnt just our president, hes an icon! Hes a father who takes care of his kids and is there for them no matter what! Hes a father who knows the true meaning of family! Im so proud to have witnesses this moment in my lifetime and was able to tell my son that Barack Obama is his New President. Although he has no idea of whats going on and what an impact this will have on his life, Im proud that for at least 4 years (God Willing) he will have another Black Man to look up to. We as a people have been through so much that no one of any other race will ever understand! We as a people have that bond. Theres conversations we can have with each other that we cant have with another race! Its sad that some of us dont realize that. Im so blessed to have grown up with strong male and female figures in my family but Ive also been blessed with many beyond that such as Oprah! On a more personal note, many of you have been keeping up with my blog and sending messages and a few comments, I just want you all to know I appreciate the constant support and encouragement.

I VOTED FOR CHANGE!!!

I got up this morning with a little pep in my step! I got dressed, brushed my teeth, ate breakfast and waited for Braylon to wake up. Around 9 he started laughing at himself in his crib (theres a mirror in there) and I walked in to get him. I noticed he was about a half hour early so I figured he noticed that there was something a little different about today also. I changed him, fed him, put he and the dog JJ in the car and we were off. I dropped Bray and JJ off at my parents house anticipating a long wait at the polls so I didnt want him to get aggravated. When I got the the poll there was absolutely NO line! I showed my ID, got my ballots, walked into the booth and made my mark on this possible History Making day! Today, November 4, 2008 marks a moment in our life, and generation that can really change the world. I felt important. I felt like I mattered. I felt like my vote TODAY would be a part of history. Thats why I waited. I wanted my vote counted on the actual Election Day. Not early, not late...NOW, TODAY! Im walking with my head held high for my ancestors who fought for this right and for the power we have as a United States of America Citizen! I hope tonight when we're all watching the news as the results come in we feel a since of pride because WE made the change, and it was our decision. Hopefully it turns in our favor!

HOMECOMING....BLAH LOLOL

Okay DO I know I pick on your lame a$$ school and YES we lost...But whatever, we STILL kicked yalls ass! hahaha! Just kidding...but really we did! lolol.He had sooo much fun at the game on Saturday even tho we lost. He looooved the band and he was dancing up a storm! He played sooo hard on Saturday he knocked out once my parents took him back to the motor home. ME? I went to the vendors in search for Conch Salad...that sold out by the time I got to the front. I did however get my fried Blue Crabs and shrimp! We do tailgate with the seriousness meaning the motorhome, music, etc but I still had to take advantage of the vendors! Thanks to Lenora for standing with me for an hour lolol. We also got Braylon a light up pacifier and a sword! Yes, Im a sucker for those things. I used to want them when I was little and got excited everytime my parents gave in so I knew Bray would love them! As you can see, he did! Its nothing like an HBCU Homecoming. I cant wait till Classic Weekend! WOOP WOOP! Its about to be sooooo fa-serious! <---Dont steal my word! Till later...Im outtie! Hollerrrrr!

Brays 1st Halloween!!!!!

Braylon was Tigger for Halloween and he was a biiiiig hit! He loved being in his lil outfit and he was sooooo cuuuuuute! OMG I have to admit I have the best baby in the world! Hes soooo animated and such a flirt. I have sooo many stories its ridiculous. Hes starting to say his own name and hes found a new Favorite Game. Its called drop/push the toy off the table and laugh when Mommy picks it up and brings it back. He did this a few months ago but I think it was mainly for development purposes. Now he does it to get a big laugh from himself and me. Hes also started running and speaking his own language. Theres so many words I dont understand I just call it Brayguage! I cant tell you how much fun he is. I know everyone says the same thing about their child but I hear it from everyone that hes the happiest baby theyve ever met and that Im a good mom. Say Im bragging I dont care but thats what they say lolol. He was the Best Tigger Everrrrr! My little Moo Moo!

Monkey Joes Trial Run/ Cousins Birthday Party...

When we got back on Sunday we had to almost immediately go to a birthday party for my little cousins at Monkey Joes. I was happy it was there since thats where Brays party is for his 1st Birthday in a couple weeks. He enjoyed himself soooo much it was ridiculous. He was screaming and laughing and jumping in all the little 3 and under thingies. I was so happy because I wasnt sure how hed take it. He also loved meeting Monkey Joe and went crazy when he was being held by him. After the longest and most tiring weekend we got in my SUV and went home. Bray was out in 3 minutes. I know because I reached back to give him a bottle and he didnt move lolol. All I heard was a big snore 10 seconds later. He slept for 4 hours after the party...woke up for 2 hours to eat, and went down for the count at 9:30PM...thank goodness for Daylight Savings Time. Hes been goin to sleep between 9 and 10pm and waking up between 9-10AM also. Perfect! Well thats about it! Till next time...Im outtie! Ill holler! lolol

HAPPY DAYS! SOME THINGS IVE MISSED...

Waddup Fam, Friends, and Fans! I dont know why I keep forgetting to talk about the dance studio but its going well. I do have a fraud case pending because someone stole 3000<--- yes you read that right...from my business account. Other than that Im happy. I had a pretty bad month in October but I promised myself to erase the drama which means I erased people that caused it. I guess thats not going over to well but the fact is that you dont have to be in my life to be in someone elses. Thats with friends of friends or even with family. It is what it is ya know lolol. I do think a few people need to read up on people who need certain procedures because its so obvious when theyre lying hahahaha. That was mean but oh so true. Lol I find it hilarious. We were laughing about it the other day like how dumb can you beeeeee! Anyways, back to the studio! Its going really well! Everyone who comes by LOVES the look of it and our style. I didnt realize how many lives I touched in my prime and its still growing! I have my own company thats doing well...I have a career! My Dream Job! I hated sitting behind a desk working for other people and not making what I felt I should! I feel bad for those working dead end jobs just to get a paycheck! I do get a lot of questions asking why Im working when I have money but the fact is I AM NOT A KEPT WOMAN! I cant sit around living off someone elses paycheck! I dont need a Captain Save A... I need my career. I dont see how people do it. Just sit around everyday and do nothing. Whats the point in going shopping if you have no where to go but TO THE MALL, or TO A SINGLE EVENT! Thats boring and shouldnt it be a turnoff?! Would yall seriously want to talk to me if I did nothing all day but chill or go shopping??? Yall would think the lies on those comment boards were right! I would look completely like a Golddigger then lolol. OMG my parents would kill me anyways hahaha. I love yall for keepin it real though. Thanks for your support and telling me when I wrong or when Im right! I appreciate it soooo much! Great advice from Great people! xoxoxo!

FAMU HOMECOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE OFF TO TALLAHASSEE FOR MY ALMA MATERS HOMECOMING! FAMUUUU FAMUUUU FAM GOT DAMN U ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! I HAVENT BEEN IN 3 YEARS SO IM EXCITED! BRAYS 1ST HOMECOMING! 1ST IS DEFINITELY "SET TIME"! THEN BACK TO THE TAILGATE! BEFORE GOING OUT BRAYS GONNA BE TIGGER FOR HALLOWEEN AND WE'RE GONNA GO TRICK OR TREATING! HES GONNA BE SOOOO CUUUUUTE! AFTER THAT PARTY TIME! BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE IVE BEEN TO A "LET OUT".
IT SUCKS BECAUSE ITS KINDA BITTERSWEET. WHEN I GO VISIT THE THEATRE IMMA THINK OF KENNETH, WHEN I SEE MY STRIKER BROTHERS AND MAHOGANY SISTERS IMMA THINK OF KENNETH. I KNOW THERES GONNA BE SOME REMINISCING BUT ITS ALL GOOD STUFF! LOVE YOU KENNY! THANKS FOR BEING THE BEST PARTNER IN DREAMGIRLS! IMMA WATCH MAHOGANY AND STRIKER SHOWS TILL I FALL ASLEEP! WATCH OVER ALL OF US! XOXOXO!

ON ANOTHER NOTE...
WHEN YOU HURT A PERSON ON PURPOSE THAT SHOWS A LOT ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER! IVE LEARNED ALOT THIS PAST MONTH. SAME SCRIPT DIFFERENT CAST! I JUST WISH I DIDNT CONTINUE BEING A SUPPORTING ACTOR. WHEN YOU TAKE A SITUATION TO ANOTHER LEVEL, IT CHANGES EVERYTHING! YOU NOT ONLY HURT 1 PERSON YOU HURT ALL THAT ARE INVOLVED BECAUSE THEY ALL BELIEVED THE SAME THING! SO IF X-ING SOMEONE OUT "MY" LIFE MEANS NO MORE DRAMA..WELL CALL ME MARY J! SORRY BUT I CANT DO IT! I CANT LET SOMEONE ENTER AND EXIT MY LIFE WHENEVER THEY WANT. DOESNT WORK THAT WAY. SO AS OF NOW, THEY DONT EXIST...AT LEAST NOT RIGHT NOW.

RIP KENNETH DILLARD

Mr Striker Brother, a good friend, a good father, a good son and a great person! After this happened Ive realized none of this drama is worth it....I love you Kenneth! Watch over me! Ill miss you soooooo much and always remember our days in College and in Miami! Ill always remember the weekly text about everything. Dreamgirls with the Essential Theatre (you were the best partner everrrrrr!), and just you being you! I love you man! Damn!

He had a wife, 2 kids, and only 25. He was so close to perfect. WHY?! I keep losing people! 4th person this year that was close to me...damn.....

SHOWTIME!

WE, FANTACHI'K, WILL BE PEFORMING LIVE AT CHEYENNES SALOON WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN ORLANDO, FL AROUND 12-1AM! THE CLUB IS LOCATED DOWNTOWN ON CHURCH STREET. IF YOURE COMING FROM ORANGE AVE, PASS DRAGON ROOM, MAKOS AND ANTIGUA! ITS OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS AND NEXT TO THE DESSERT LADY! WE'RE THE HEADLINERS AND WE'RE DOING A BURLESQUE SHOW FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!! ITS GONNA BE SIIICCCKKKKK! SEE YOU THERE! IM OUTTIE! HOLLERRRRR!!!!!

Life is Short...

Okay, so within the past week Ive seen so many crazy things on the news that have really frightened me. 1st there was the news anchor who was beat up and left for dead in her home. They said it looked like a crime of passion not a robbery so it was either someone she knew, turned down or just someone who didnt like her. They came in her home while her dogs were outside and tried to kill her. She was found the next morning by her mother because she didnt answer her morning wakeup call. Then today I hear about Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother who were found shot and killed in their home. They also abducted her 7 year old nephew. That too was said to be a crime of passion or domestic violence. Crimes like these scare me and they have really been getting to me ever since the story of who I was broke. Im sick of being blown off everytime i get threatened. Ive called the cops over one person (Patricia McCann) in Kentucky...KENTUCKY?! She tried to hack my phone, was posting as me, then began to threaten my life on my private personal myspace page. Nothing was done except they gave her a warning and I received a copy of the police report. When they tried to question other people who may know who it was about the case (before they received the name and IP address) no one cooperated. Ive had Bitch written on my car (Ive since traded it in), and Ive received 7 pieces of mail asking for my childs fathers autograph or just random questions about if this is really where I live. To me thats crazy AND scary and Im sick of being mellowed out. You hear so many times about people being abducted or killed and there were warnings. Im scared. I admit it. Im terrified. I have a precious little boy and Id go crazy if something happened to him. Whats just as bad is if something happens to his mother...me. I need to move. Soon. Im thinking about going to stay with my parents just so I can feel safe. This world is dangerous and I cant fight off someone who is set on hurting me. I dont like guns, I do sleep with a knife upstairs but what else can I do? Ive been followed, my studio closes at night, and people know who I am. I cant live in a bubble, I know, but I also cant live being paranoid. I just want someone to take these threats I receive seriously. People are CRAZY and it always seems to be the people you least expect it from. It can be a friend of a friend, or a cousin of a flame. You never know... at least neither of the people I mentioned above expected it would ever happen to them.....

My Vacation and my Revelations...A New Start to the Old Me!

I know that last part of my title may not quite make since to some but to others its exactly what theyve been waiting for. The old Royce to come back. Well after this week Ive found her and I reintroduced myself to...well myself. Id lost so much of me these past few years and even more within the past year. I thought when I got saved I was on the path of my new beginning but I see now that it was God way of testing me and seeing how far I would stray. I got a lil ways away but I definitely came back. Before I get into my vacation and revelations I must say that one of the biggest lessons Ive learned was that I cannot fault or hate someone because of who they are or what theyve become. I can and will, however, distance myself and my child for our own sake. People are a product of their environment and they wont change unless they think somethings wrong within themselves. Most never find that personal flaw and you cant MAKE someone realize theyve become exactly what they fear! Whether thats a bad friend, criminal, parent, or person period, if that individual doesnt find that fault, they will never change and I nor you can stand next to them if theyre bringing you down or making you feel less than you are. With that said welcome to my revelations and the New Start to the Old Me...



Monday:
Today I left for Clearwater, FL around 4pm. I arrived @ my hotel on Sand Key beach around 6. When I got to my room I immediately felt a sense of calmness. My view is ridiculously beautiful. Bray and I walked rt 2 the balcony and sat out there for about an hr. Erica came by and we went to eat at Sheppards. It was sooooo good. We talked a lot and she started giving me some advice. I left my computer @ home so every time I had an urge to Google myself I couldn't. That helped a lot. I have to admit it was kinda hard but very necessary. I guess I kinda, just kinda understand what withdrawals feel like to a heroine addict. You have 2 resist the urge and its hard 2 resist it when its right in front of you. However once you get passed that stage it can be right in front of you and you walk away. I want to get to tht point. Hopefully by the end of my trip I will finally be able to do tht. So when I get home and get in front of my computer, my first test will be just that. I do care what ppl think about me. Id be lying if I said I didn't. I think every1 cares 2 a certain extent but I really do because I know Im a good person, good daughter, good sister, great mother and a very good friend. I hear that everyday but I just wish everyone knew it before they started speaking so negatively about me when they don't know me or don't take the time out 2 care 2 know me. It does hurt but im learning that ppl talked about god and ppl will still talk about u when youre dead. Well this Old School handwriting w/ pen and paper is getting tiring so till 2morrow...im outtie! Hollerrrrr!



Tuesday:
Today we woke up and stood outside on the balcony for a bit. We (erica, bray and I) then went by the pool and took a dip. After that I went parasailing (yes I do the things black ppl aren't supposed to do, sorry mom n dad but at least I didn't bungee jump yet lolol). It was actually really relaxing and fun. It wasn't excited like swimming with the dolphins. It was a different exciting. You kinda feel like you're floating way up in the air. Not quite like flying but just floating. After that we came up and took some showers then headed to Crabby Bills. I loooooove seafood as u can tell. On the way back I saw the cutest thing...a down syndrome couple holding hands and wearing matching T-shirts. There's someone for everyone like Erica would say. We did get a lil laugh @ this one guy who rode by with "just divorced" and happy faces written on his car! Can we say "wow". After that Erica had to go to work, she's a cop not a highway patrol, one of those serious 1s like the lady on The 1st 48. She's foserious<---like my word? Lolol....anyways, I went back up to my room, and put bray down for his afternoon nap.
Then I finally took the time to reflect on me and what's been going on in my life. All the drama and all the hate. For what? Why do I feed into it sometimes? Why do I even give it the time of day? Its nothing new to me so why am I now shocked? I've been hated on ever since I went to FAMU and got my culture shock. As much as I was ready to leave when I graduated, over time I realized I learned a lot abt myself. Im a strong, beautiful and successful black woman. Its a shame that within our race we seem to down each other rather than lift each other up. My career has taken a different turn than planned but that's Gods doing. I have my studio, and I have 2 companies. The plan to go to LA and pursue ME wasn't Gods idea for me so that's ok. I've done a lot and im extremely proud of myself. I have so much more to do and Im enjoying watching it prosper. I want my son to be proud of his mom and know that I tried my best! When it comes to a significant other I realize Im attracted to athletes and im not ashamed of it. Why should I be. Im an athlete and I've always been one. I was a gymnast for 8 yrs, I've been dancing for over 20 and I was a competitive 6A HS and college cheerleader for 9yrs. You probably saw me on ESPN a couple times...I was tht 1 token black girl flipping and getting tossed in the air lolol. I can't worry about what ppl think. Its not about money. I don't care if he played flag football. Its just something about an athletic guy that attracts me. 1 I like tall guys, 2 I like guys that take care of themselves and that r n shape. 3 I love the idea of competition. Not always but a lot. From air hockey and go kart races @ the fun spot to pulling for my Colts. I enjoy watching my significant other doing what they love and having such a strong passion for their sport. Ill also get out there and play flag football myself. Thats just me and I embrace that. If ppl can't understand that oh well. What sucks is that almost everyone I date is younger than me. Thats not on purpose. Its because most guys my age or older think im jailbait. im constantly being looked at in the mall or supermarket with the "shame on you" eyes because I have a baby and they think im 16. I wish I could walk around with a shirt on that says "im grown" but then it would just turn into "why aren't you married" so whatever. With that age thing also comes the maturity factor. Sometimes they're on my level other times they're not. Sometimes it even seems as tho they are until something life-changing happens and the scared puppy dog comes out or they just flip the script. I guess thts my problem to deal with. "Enjoy it royce thats a compliment, you'll enjoy it when you get older". Well, im old enuf now to realize that id rather look my age just long enuf to not have to show my id for r rated movies or for High Schoolers to be askin 4 my number.




Wednesday:
I could honestly wake up to this view everyday. The weather has been perfect each day. Erica had to go to work early today so Bray and I are on our own for most of the day. So we got up, ate a lil breakfast and went down to the pool again. Brays been taking swimming lessons at the YMCA so I was doing some exercises with him and he's a lil swimmer. He knows how to float and find the edge and he's only 11mos. I think we've gotten 5 shades darker we've been outside so much. I like it, we have a nice lil glow. Anyway, after the pool we went down to the beach and ate some more seafood. I watched Bray run and fall in the sand and I couldn't help but :-) and laugh. He's so carefree and he loves his mommy. He would run to the edge, slap the water, turn around and run back to me laughing. Almost every1 around us swore he was at least 1 1/2. Lil did they know he's just naturally tall..... lol. Its so funny how he looooves being outside, especially the beach. When we're in the room he stands either at the window by the door or on the balcony in his diaper. Its so amazing watching him grow up. I haven't had a chance to get my massage but im set to get one 2morrow morning @ 10am so Erica can watch bray. After we left the beach we came back to the hotel and pretty much had a lazy day. I ordered Step Brothers on pay-per-view and we ate icecream. Then we took a nap. We were awakened by Erica beatin on the door like a crazy person. I answered to door and she goes "oh, u were sleep?", im like nah, I just like sittin n the dark. Anyways, she wanted to watch the Rays game while I wanted to catch up on Americas next top model...after all that game is gonna be on till midnite. Im NOT a baseball fan @ all but I admit I watched the game for about an hr ok maybe 30mins lolol. I then went to get a soda from the soda machine and when I came back the door wasn't working. I put the key in and the light turned green but the lock wouldn't release all the way. Erica is meanwhile lookin @ me thru the door laughing like its the funniest thing ever. Im like open the damn door! She's on the floor literally rolling. Bray then comes to the window with his head tilted sideways like whats goin on? Y are u outside. I tried like 4 times and I started cursing. Erica said I sounded like I had tourrettes. Whatever! Lolol. When I got inside bray wanted to all of a sudden play. After beating up the window blinds he wanted to play chase. So Erica n I each got on diff ends of the suite and he went crazy. He would run to 1 of us, we'd grab him and he'd laugh so hard and scream we couldn't help but laugh too. Then he'd turn around n run to the other with his arms up like a lil monster. It was hilarious. We played that game for abt 30mins until he started fartin everywhere. I guess tht icecream finally got 2 him. Erica was like did u fart? Im like No thts braylon. "Stop lyin royce" she said. 'Im foreal, I swear it wasn't me, thats braylon". She didn't believe me till he did it right by her face. "Omg it smells like a grown man fart" she said. "I know" I replied, its ridiculous. A stinky poop followed shortly after with a big :-) during each push. Lolol. Revelations for today I I realize how great of friends I have. Real friends. Not the 1s that want something, or hint at wanting something. Real genuine caring friends who really want the best for me. They pick me up when im down and they never steer me wrong. They tell me when im wrong and when im right... especially when im wrong. They never hype me up to do something out of character or that could hurt another person despite how much I want to retaliate. They hold me when I cry. They support me when I dream and they applaud me when I succeed. I appreciate the most when they tell me certain things are my fault due to my dumb decisions. Then they tell me how I can fix them if I want to. Granted im hardheaded a lot but they understand that and don't let me stray away to long. I've made a lot of knee-jerk decisions in my life and some big ones in the last year. Some have helped others have hurt but they've all been lessons I've learned from. This trip was much needed. I return home Thursday night but im staying on vacation till Saturday. I miss my family and my friends. You never realize how much you take life for granted and your blessings till you sit back and think. Some people weren't brought up the way I was. I have 2 parents still together and in love. They still play like schoolkids. Its not always perfect but its love. My family owns, sells, and has inherited several pieces of land. We have our own travel agency. Our family name is extremely well known in Orlando and has been in the Orlando Newspapers several times for history purposes and stories. I grew up not having to "want" for much but I never took it for granted because so many of my friends came from poverty. I traveled all over the US before I was 13 because we always took family vacations. I went to college on a full scholarship. Im been to over 13 different countries to perform. I've been a part of 2 of the NBA's BEST dance teams, LITERALLY! I performed @ Allstars in Houston. I have a beautiful, smart and healthy baby boy. I have a successful career. Im blessed and I may not like the way certain things are in my life but there's countless numbers who would love to be in my shoes so in the end I can't complain. Till 2morrow, im outtie! Hollerrrr.





Thursday:
Well today is our last day here in Clearwater on Sand Key Beach. Im definitely coming back. I think this is my new getaway. Its only abt 2hrs away and it looks like a little piece of Heaven. I called the Bellboy to come get our stuff and Erica took Bray downstairs. I stayed behind about 20 minutes to look back on my trip out here. I walked on the balcony and for the first time I let go. I let it all go. The anger, the hurt, the hard times, everything. Id be trying to stay in control for so long even the tears that fell I controlled. I used to tell myself no 1 is worth my tears. Well, that's not true because if no 1 is worth your tears then that means they never had your heart. So for those 20 minutes I cried and I screamed. It felt good. I screamed @ the top of my lungs and the people downstairs by the pool heard me and looked up. I didn't care. I needed it. Id kept those feelings in so long it was unhealthy. I let an anonymous email linking me 2 a page send me to the hospital with a severe panic/anxiety attack and high blood pressure. Id let someone back in that didn't deserve to be there so easily. I took the rest of my time up there to reflect and make a promise to myself and God. I don't remember the exact words but it kindof went like this:
Dear God,
Its me again. I kno I've disappointed you and I've walked away from you a lot this past year. I gave my life to you almost a year ago and I still haven't learned. Im trying God, I really am. I can't do this without you. I need you. I need you in my heart, my soul and my mind. I need you for my strength and my guidance. I need you for when I don't know what to do or what to say. I need you to keep him around strong male figures like my dad, my brother, my uncles and my friends. I mostly need you to be in his heart and let him know I tried. Its hard but I know you have good reasons. I love you and I need you so much right now. Im fallin to my knees so many times to you and now I just want to stand. I want to be that girl everyone admired and wanted their daughters to be like again. I want to be that strong woman who walked with her head held high. I want to be the child you want me to be. I know I may not do everything in your will and I know I will sin. Im not perfect but I am your child. I promise to try my best from this day forward to not turn my back on you. I promise to keep my life in your hands. I promise to treat my body and mind like a temple because I am a Black Queen. I promise to take all the things I may not agree with as a lesson and not try to force what you don't see for me. I promise to put you 1st and my son 2nd. My family 3rd and my career 4th. I promise God because I know you are steering me to the Real happiness. I need all these lessons in order to appreciate the blessing you are setting forth for me. I love you God. Help me. I need you, I love you and you are my Everything. Amen.

With that prayer, I signed my bill, left it on the counter and grabbed the doorknob. I said one last thing, this time to myself. I left room 504 at the Marriot Suites on Sand Key Beach. I didn't just leave the room, I left all the mental baggage I brought in there and walked out a free woman.