Day 18: The Person I wish I could be

WOW! Hmmm.....


I just gonna start writing without looking back and deleting because I know if I proofread im going to take some things out...With that said...


Sometimes I wish I could be Cold
Sometimes I wish I could be Evil
Sometimes I wish I could be Heartless
Sometimes I wish I could be so Selfish that nothing and no one else mattered but ME.

I wish I could go on with life not caring what other people think regardless if its good or bad. Its easy to say you dont care but a small percentage of you does. Like I said before you cant get through LIFE without other people so I'd be foolish to say I dont care at all.

I wish I could throw someone under the bus so bad like theyve done me but my heart pulls me back. So much of me wants to expose that person for who they are. I wish I could tell all the secrets and prove all the lies but then I have to ask myself, what good what that do to me and my life? Why would that make me happy? It wouldnt but I wish it would because then I could. I just keep telling myself its NOT my duty to show the world who they are but I wish It was.

I wish I could be that person that was so evil that I could attempt to ruin someone with lies just like they tried to do me. I wish I could make false allegations, & spread rumors just to ruin a persons career by overshadowing their talents. I wish I could throw the rock & hide my hand. Better yet I wish I could do all these things then cover them up by doing good deeds or smiling in peoples faces. I wish I could be so evil that I could laugh at another persons misery. I wish I could step on someones back to get to the top. I wish I could burn bridges and not give a DAMN about how many. I wish I could hurt people and their families and friends JUST because I could & to prove a point. I wish I could humiliate the people who once bent over backwards for me just because they made me mad. I wish I could sleep at night after making the world think another person crazy or psychotic because of what I said...or didn't say. I wish I could knowingly put someone in harms way and tell them "Its not my problem". I wish I could have my friends send death threats, harass, and threaten people who I dont like just to make their life hell. I wish I could be that wrong, that evil, that cold, that selfish and that heartless. BUT I CANT....


I wasnt made that way. I wasnt raised that way. I will NEVER be that way. But I am a fighter and I will fight until I cant fight anymore. You may be winning some battles but you WONT WIN THE WAR! TRUST! I know some wish I would give up...maybe thats who YOU wish I was...but thats DEFINITELY NOT WHO I AM!. LIKE I SAID BEFORE....WHEN I SEE SOMEONE REACHING FOR THEIR DREAMS I WISH ON THEIR STARS...SO GUESS HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE WISHING ON MINE!



I bet you think this song is about you...that means youre guilty!

Day 17: Someone from my childhood

This letter goes to 2 people!

Windy,

Girl where the heck are you? What happened to us? We were inseparable all thru Middle School then we drifted. Nothing couldve told me we wouldnt be life long friends. I remember us writing a few times when we went off to HS but then it dwindled and went away. We have so many memories that are slowly fading and I wish I had more pictures. I remember the friendship bracelets and my Birthday Party and the Sheraton. I remember the t-shirts we made (so ugly) and we still wore them to school...maybe thats where my fashion got screwed lol. Anyways, Awilda Andrillon, if you are out there or if anyone reading this letter knows her, Ive been trying to locate you/her.







Donald,

I dont know where you are either. You and Windy were my closest friends. You wouldve probably been my boyfriend if I couldve had 1 lol. I remember getting a spanking when my dad saw us walking in the field behind our house. We were just walking but I guess he was just nipping it in the bud just in case lol. Anyways, we kept in touch a few years in HS then we drifted too. From my childhood I remember the fun times I had with you and Windy most. I still have your letters that you folded up like an arrow or an envelope with the pull tab. lol. Those carefree days. What sucks the most is that I later found out that you were my cousin...WOW! Thank goodness you weren't my 1st kiss lol...that would've been weird. Anyways, if you or anyone else reads this letter please know I'm trying to locate you/him too.





I miss both of you. My favorite times in Middle School had you both in them. We may not have any deep conversations or memories since we were only like 12 but we did have and that in itself is a breath of fresh air!

Love yall,

Royce

Day 16: Someone thats not in my state

Short and Sweet!

My Brother Tony,

Although we arent as close as we used to be you are still my brother. Half or not we are family. I remember growing up and seeing you a lot more than I do now but we were younger then. You've gone off and had 2 beautiful boys and I love them dearly. I wish I could see and spend more time with them and you but I understand. I wont forget the piggy back rides or spending those days and nights with Grandma aka "Mother". I was young so I cant remember any drama if there was any with the adults but I do remember the fun times and the laughs WE had which is all that matters to me. Im also not sure what happened to make things go from weekly visits to years of separation but thats in the past. I see your photos and my nephews at my parents house and I cant help but wish we were closer. However, now, it feels great knowing that I can talk to you a lot more now and its on our terms. Thank you for being there when I need you and sending your support and love at just the right times. You definitely have that protective trait that really makes me realize we are more than just halves...we are whole regardless. You could've just disappeared but you didnt. I dont think you realize how much that means & how much I appreciate you. You are for sure 1 of the men in my life that I know has my back through the good and the bad. You know me and you know my heart. We are Reed's! Always and forever! I miss you and I love you. We definitely need to keep in contact more and I want to see those little boys grow up more than just on Facebook.

xoxoxo,
Sis

Day 15: Person I miss the most...

This one is really hard. Bare with me...

Deshawn,

Despite what I found out after you were gone, I know who I MET and who I MISS.

We met on my 18th Birthday at FAMU. I was in BIONR for Biology majors who were looking into Pre-Med (We see I ended up following my #1 dream NOT #2...still love the kids tho) and you were a part of the Black Male Explorers. Your smile, & your laugh was contagious. When we first started talking it was as friends and you told me EVERYTHING! I remember the movie moments when you sung to me while playing the piano with me sitting on the top lol. I remember our long walks around campus. Over the next few months you became my 1st REAL boyfriend. You never asked me for more than a kiss and you never tried to receive anything else either. You were so respectful & so sweet. When the summer was over you wrote and mailed me letters every week. I still have all of them. Although you wrote extremely tiny and in ALL CAPS you had great handwriting for a dude, & I still read them every now and then lol....

A year later we broke up (you cheated of course lol) but you were honest, admitted it & we still remained friends. You still wrote and you told me about your exes, your currents, the good and the bad. I told you when you were wrong and when you were right. I was like your Home-girl lol. Regardless, Im happy we stayed close. I still have the voicemail you left singing "I Love You" on my answering machine. You were and always will be special. After all you were my 1st boyfriend...who never became my 1st lol.

Two months before your accident I remember you visiting FAMU with your boys. Yall laughed about the way you all drove and I told all of you it wasnt funny. I remember saying that it was dangerous and someone could get killed. I then remember that morning when I spoke to you for all of 5-10 minutes. It was so normal, so everyday...so real. I called you that night...no answer. I believe I left a message. The next morning I got a phone call...
"Hey Royce"
"Wassup"
"Not much, what you been up to?"
"Nothin just chillin"
"Oh, did you hear about Deshawn yesterday?"
"No,I havent talked to him since yesterday morning, why?"
"What time?
"Like before they went to work or something I think, why?"
"Oh, he was killed in a car accident yesterday morning..."

Just like that. No sympathy from the person who told me. He said it like he was telling me you got a new puppy. I cried for days. To the point I lost my voice. I couldnt understand it. I wanted to know why. You had so much going for you. When I saw the article online from the newspaper I got angry. I wish I'd stayed on the phone with you longer that morning. I think about your mom and your family. I think about your kids who will never know their father. I know forgiveness is key but its a lesson Im still learning. I couldnt go to the funeral. I couldnt get the strength or courage. I miss your ass so much. Your voice, your jokes, your laugh. YOU! It's not fair but I understand its life and it was JUST YOUR TIME. I dream about you on occassion and every blue moon I drive down that street in Ft Lauderdale & cry. You are in a better place and Im sure youre singing your heart out! Like you used to say "Till the sun turns purple" we will always be here for each other. Keep lookin down on me!


Lil Head, Peanut head, Line-4-a-lip,
Royce

I wouldve posted the 1 with u smiling but u had those "THINGS" in your head so I wont :o)~

Day 14: Someone I drifted away from

Angelique,

I dont really know why or what exactly happened that caused us to drift apart but its obviously happened. We've known each other since we were 6 and became best friends in college. After graduation you went to Atlanta, got married, and I stopped hearing from you. I know through a few emails feelings were hurt on both sides due to our firm and blunt opinions but we got past that. When I had Braylon you came to visit. This letter is short and sweet and not too deep but I do miss you. We had a lot of great times and our memories are crazy fun. If I have to live by memories for the months we dont speak thats cool because I KNOW Ill have enough to laugh about. From people gettin left in Sarasota, & ROAD KILL on the bus to Miami, to the KART running in front of me when a certain someone wanted to fight lol. Whether its settin up Chris after the club or the nights on the beach in St George. I love you girl! Whether its Purple Rain or Why...Earth Wind and Fire or The Jungle. Better yet Four Women and booty dancing to wondering why someone was crying during the Happy Dance. Ill make sure I sell my tickets instead of showing my ass to Shepiro, & the KART will live on forever! Regardless of the time frame...whether its a month or a year...I know once we speak it will last for hours and the laughs that make our stomachs hurt are something I will NEVER get tired of. See you soon and freakin A Im waitin on a baby from you and the hubby! lol :o)~


The R in KART,

Kia
Angelique
ROYCE
Tisiphani
(Best-Eboard of Mahogany Dance Theatre #FAMU)

Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me

I thought about this letter a lot. I've gone back & forth about who I've hurt, disappointed or even done wrong. I looked up & down & sideways trying to figure out who this letter should be for because in the cases I've remembered I apologized and/or was forgiven by them.....I'm not saying in every case it's been rectified but in the cases I care about they have. I can honestly say that the ones that matter to me have been squashed. So, I think more than them I need to forgive myself.

Royce,

I ask that you learn how to fully let go of situations in which you have hurt other people. I know you say you're over it but in a lot of cases you regret things which means you're not. Everyone makes mistakes, & you are only human. You blame yourself for putting yourself in a situation for Day 12 to happen. It wasn't your fault. You didn't have a ride & no one was available to take you home. You blame yourself for your relationship falling apart & becoming a single mother. It is not your fault you realized your worth & what you were not willing to deal with. You are better than what they tried to make you out to be. You blame yourself for the drama in your life. It is not your fault you try to set the facts straight & let people know the truth. Who wouldn't. It is not your fault you signed something not entirely knowing what it was but feeling it would make things & people leave you alone. You are a smart, caring,loving, honest & loyal person. Mostly you are a great mother,daughter,sister,niece,cousin, & friend. Stop blaming yourself for having high standards. Stop coming down on yourself over that damn pool party. It's over. You did it. You owned it. You know who you are & that's all that matters. Stop thinking that if you had been on the phone with Deshawn that morning he would still be here on earth. Start believing in the song you play almost every night. The Reason.... Everything happens for a reason. You can't control fate but you are in control of your destiny. Let it go. Love yourself & all your faults. Others do so why can't you.....


Royce

Day 12: Person I Hate The Most

This letter is going to be extremely hard to write. I wrestled with myself and my emotions on whether or not to even "go there" then I realized if I didn't I'd be hiding something so many of us have in our lives. I feel as if im in a position where so many look up to me or wonder who i am and why I appreciate everyday....So with that said...here's my day 12.....

Thief,

You took something away from me I'll never get back. My innocence and my virginity. You held a knife to my throat and you forced me into a room. You cut open my jeans and you forced your sweaty drunk and high self on top of me. You called me every name in the book. You dripped sweat on my bare body & tried to kiss my mouth with your lips. You told me you wanted to take something from me you know I wouldn't give you. I sat there and screamed and cried until you covered my mouth with your shirt and told me you would kill me. I bled all over the table.....No one heard me.... Or at least no one tried to help. When you finished you laughed. I sat there and cried silently by myself until I got the strength up to move. I walked all the way to my apartment & went straight to the bathroom. I stayed in that shower for over an hour trying to wipe your scent off of me. My roommates sat outside the door yelling at me wondering what was wrong..... I said nothing. When I came out 1 of my roommates grabbed me as I fell. I lost all sense of reality because you stole something from me I cherished more than anything. I remember hearing her pray over me, and then I remember waking up with a film over my eyes because I'd cried so much....

Why? What did I do to you so awful to make you do that to me? I think about that situation often and I'm sure you've done it to someone else. I get mad at myself for not telling. Understand my only reason for not was not because of your threats but because I knew my family and friends would kill you and I didn't want anyone suffering more than me by being in jail. The reason I'm telling this story now is because I know I'm not alone. I know there are other females and males out there who have been in this same situation. I want them to know they are not alone. A lot of people in my life didn't want me to mention this part of my life but then I thought about why....because it's embarrassing? It's shameful? It's too personal? I look at it as life. You put me through something that caused me to flunk a semester. You put me through a block of time where I was afraid to even hug another male. But guess what.... I still prevailed and I'm still successful. I hate you more than anything I can imagine. Not that you should care but Karma is a bitch and you will get yours if you haven't already. You didn't kill me, you made me stronger. What you thought you gained you will lose. Through being tested to throwing up at night from the thought of you on top of me I am still here and happy. I wrote this to let others shoo have been taken by someone like you know aren't alone but I hope you reap what you sow and I hope you burn in hell.