Day 14: Someone I drifted away from

Angelique,

I dont really know why or what exactly happened that caused us to drift apart but its obviously happened. We've known each other since we were 6 and became best friends in college. After graduation you went to Atlanta, got married, and I stopped hearing from you. I know through a few emails feelings were hurt on both sides due to our firm and blunt opinions but we got past that. When I had Braylon you came to visit. This letter is short and sweet and not too deep but I do miss you. We had a lot of great times and our memories are crazy fun. If I have to live by memories for the months we dont speak thats cool because I KNOW Ill have enough to laugh about. From people gettin left in Sarasota, & ROAD KILL on the bus to Miami, to the KART running in front of me when a certain someone wanted to fight lol. Whether its settin up Chris after the club or the nights on the beach in St George. I love you girl! Whether its Purple Rain or Why...Earth Wind and Fire or The Jungle. Better yet Four Women and booty dancing to wondering why someone was crying during the Happy Dance. Ill make sure I sell my tickets instead of showing my ass to Shepiro, & the KART will live on forever! Regardless of the time frame...whether its a month or a year...I know once we speak it will last for hours and the laughs that make our stomachs hurt are something I will NEVER get tired of. See you soon and freakin A Im waitin on a baby from you and the hubby! lol :o)~


The R in KART,

Kia
Angelique
ROYCE
Tisiphani
(Best-Eboard of Mahogany Dance Theatre #FAMU)

Day 13: Someone I wish could forgive me

I thought about this letter a lot. I've gone back & forth about who I've hurt, disappointed or even done wrong. I looked up & down & sideways trying to figure out who this letter should be for because in the cases I've remembered I apologized and/or was forgiven by them.....I'm not saying in every case it's been rectified but in the cases I care about they have. I can honestly say that the ones that matter to me have been squashed. So, I think more than them I need to forgive myself.

Royce,

I ask that you learn how to fully let go of situations in which you have hurt other people. I know you say you're over it but in a lot of cases you regret things which means you're not. Everyone makes mistakes, & you are only human. You blame yourself for putting yourself in a situation for Day 12 to happen. It wasn't your fault. You didn't have a ride & no one was available to take you home. You blame yourself for your relationship falling apart & becoming a single mother. It is not your fault you realized your worth & what you were not willing to deal with. You are better than what they tried to make you out to be. You blame yourself for the drama in your life. It is not your fault you try to set the facts straight & let people know the truth. Who wouldn't. It is not your fault you signed something not entirely knowing what it was but feeling it would make things & people leave you alone. You are a smart, caring,loving, honest & loyal person. Mostly you are a great mother,daughter,sister,niece,cousin, & friend. Stop blaming yourself for having high standards. Stop coming down on yourself over that damn pool party. It's over. You did it. You owned it. You know who you are & that's all that matters. Stop thinking that if you had been on the phone with Deshawn that morning he would still be here on earth. Start believing in the song you play almost every night. The Reason.... Everything happens for a reason. You can't control fate but you are in control of your destiny. Let it go. Love yourself & all your faults. Others do so why can't you.....


Royce

Day 12: Person I Hate The Most

This letter is going to be extremely hard to write. I wrestled with myself and my emotions on whether or not to even "go there" then I realized if I didn't I'd be hiding something so many of us have in our lives. I feel as if im in a position where so many look up to me or wonder who i am and why I appreciate everyday....So with that said...here's my day 12.....

Thief,

You took something away from me I'll never get back. My innocence and my virginity. You held a knife to my throat and you forced me into a room. You cut open my jeans and you forced your sweaty drunk and high self on top of me. You called me every name in the book. You dripped sweat on my bare body & tried to kiss my mouth with your lips. You told me you wanted to take something from me you know I wouldn't give you. I sat there and screamed and cried until you covered my mouth with your shirt and told me you would kill me. I bled all over the table.....No one heard me.... Or at least no one tried to help. When you finished you laughed. I sat there and cried silently by myself until I got the strength up to move. I walked all the way to my apartment & went straight to the bathroom. I stayed in that shower for over an hour trying to wipe your scent off of me. My roommates sat outside the door yelling at me wondering what was wrong..... I said nothing. When I came out 1 of my roommates grabbed me as I fell. I lost all sense of reality because you stole something from me I cherished more than anything. I remember hearing her pray over me, and then I remember waking up with a film over my eyes because I'd cried so much....

Why? What did I do to you so awful to make you do that to me? I think about that situation often and I'm sure you've done it to someone else. I get mad at myself for not telling. Understand my only reason for not was not because of your threats but because I knew my family and friends would kill you and I didn't want anyone suffering more than me by being in jail. The reason I'm telling this story now is because I know I'm not alone. I know there are other females and males out there who have been in this same situation. I want them to know they are not alone. A lot of people in my life didn't want me to mention this part of my life but then I thought about why....because it's embarrassing? It's shameful? It's too personal? I look at it as life. You put me through something that caused me to flunk a semester. You put me through a block of time where I was afraid to even hug another male. But guess what.... I still prevailed and I'm still successful. I hate you more than anything I can imagine. Not that you should care but Karma is a bitch and you will get yours if you haven't already. You didn't kill me, you made me stronger. What you thought you gained you will lose. Through being tested to throwing up at night from the thought of you on top of me I am still here and happy. I wrote this to let others shoo have been taken by someone like you know aren't alone but I hope you reap what you sow and I hope you burn in hell.

Day 11: A Deceased Person I'd like to Meet

Dear Jesus,

I know we are all waiting for your return. I know we're all contemplating if we've done the right thing or if we believe strong enough. Well I'll be honest.... I'm not 100% sure if you are real & I don't go to church every Sunday...To be even more honest I haven't been in quite a long time BUT I do listen to church music a lot....really I do! My excuse? There really isnt a good one....i just like to sleep in on weekends...I know that's horrible to say but I know lying is a sin. I get really tired with Braylon. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make sure he's following the right path & Im in need of constant reassurance from my family & friends. I spend so much time with him that it's exhausting. I feel guilty sometimes when I say Mommy's tired. But even moreso, I get so proud every time he gets moved up in school because he's far beyond his age bracket in terms of academics. I don't want that to change so I'm always counting, always reading, always playing, & always spoiling him. I know you are watching over him & without you being there to guide him when I can't I'd be nervous.

On another note...I just feel sometimes your father has put things on me that I don't understand. Whether its miniature drama or blasted across the internet i know theres a reason. Sure the saying goes " He'll never put more on you than you can bare" and sure it's all made me stronger but why me? I have so many questions that I need answers to. I know I shouldn't question you or Him but I'm only human right? I'm far from perfect & even today I laughed at individuals I considered psychopaths. Ok ok ok...that was mean but i really think it's true. They have a serious problem. Anyways, with that I know everyone is Gods child & he spent more time on others & maybe left a few screws loose for humor.....ok sorry again....you know me...I got jokes.

For real though, when or if your return before I die....can you please just give me a break? I'm really trying to do right. I drink yes, but I've never smoked a day in my life....heck y'all drink wine right? I know God doesn't make mistakes and everything happens for a reason but sometimes it hurts like crazy. I've lost a lot off people in my life that I miss dearly & I feel your hand on me when I cry. I will ask that you let both my grandmothers, my grandfather, my cousin, & my friends that you've taken know i love and miss them dearly. I've been through a lot most people have no idea about because I'm a lot stronger from it .....however, it still hurts.

Basically, I just wish that you keep me standing & you keep me strong. I know everything I'm going through has a purpose & eventually I'll know what that is. I know that when I get weak you pick me up. I know when I feel like I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place you give me wings. I know when I'm surrounded by 4 walls you give me a shovel, I get it. I'm just waiting to understand why & when all the drama is going to be over. Lastly, please dont think im questioning you and your fathers choices...i know i was chosen for this life for a reason....If its ANYTHING ive learned thru all this its that I know it's not on my time.... Its on your fathers ....and it always right on time. I just hope you continue to be there for me when I feel like giving up. I need you to be not only the rainbow when the storm is over but also my umbrella thru the storm..

I love you,
Royce
Gods Child

Day 10 : Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like to...

Ceejeeeeeeey!

OMG we go waaaaaay back! Freshman year FAMU! WOW with the memories. From the days Kia and I used 2 yell at you, Red, and New York from 3rd floor McGuinn to the Raquetball Courts. You went from being My 1st to being My Best Friend. I dont know what happened to us over the years but even tho we hardly speak anymore when we do its as if no time has passed. We can be on the phone for hours reminiscing and it always makes me smile and sometimes laugh so hard I cry. I remember ripping pictures off your wall to writing you a letter that looked like this: kmadamfihysgiwinmuaihu and you understood what every letter meant. lol DANGIT you knew me too well. From the day I met your parents to the day you met mine my mom still asks "How's CJ doing?". The days we walked all the way to the State Room & the food fights in the Caf.

I just want to say I'll never forget you & it feels good to know after all these years even if we don't speak for a year, when we do it's like we never missed a day. Thank you for being there when I needed a friend or someone to give me a blanket or jacket because my ass was always cold. Thank you for mocking me every time I said something you thought was funny. Thank you for staying up with me till 5AM when you know we had class in a few hours. Mostly thank you for being 1 of my 1st real friends I met in college. My parents always told me you find your best friends in college & although I didn't find many I did find you. Through our dating & through our friendship you are truly 1 in a million. I wish we talked more often so that our catchup convos didn't last the entire day but I'll take what I can get lol. Congrats on your marriage, & i better meet her!

P.S
Next time I see your ass your lips BETTA not be black! I am NOT slow! Lol love ya Ceejey!

I'll post pics later. I'm on my iPad but you KNOW I got some throwbacks! :-)~

Ooooooh remember when they dropped me at the game? Thanks for being there even though you laughed!!!

Day 9: Someone I wish I could Meet

This should come as no suprise but this letter is to:


Hey J (yea Im acting like I actually know you),

Since I was little I can remember watching you and telling my parents I want to be Janet when I grow up. I really felt like it was an option to become someone instead of LIKE them. I remember going to my 1st concert of yours...Rhythmnation. I will NEVER forget how in awe I was watching you. I was 10 years old. I knew every song and my parents just laughed. I thought I knew every routine but was just bouncing around with the attitude in my face. I remember wanting to go backstage to meet you but I wasnt old enough. I remember trying to get your attention like I was the only little black girl in the venue. I think thats when my parents realized how serious I was about my budding career in the performing arts. Sure they had me involved in everything (gymnastics, dance, competitive cheerleading, track, piano, acting and singing) but the 3 that stuck out to me most....I wanted to dance, I wanted to act, & I wanted to sing. Id dance in the hallway before school until my mom told me to get dressed. My dad would have me singing my lungs out after school, and I would be swearing I sounded and looked just like you. As I got older I realized It wasnt so much then that I wanted to BE you, I just wanted to be LIKE you. My mom has always been my role model, but you were and in a lot of ways still are my career idol.

From that day at your concert, I had your poster on my wall. I wasnt a crazy fan with hundreds of pictures around my room, I just had 1. Id look at it every morning and strike a pose. Im not the fan that screams and cries everytime you come across the screen. I just sit, watch and take notes. I dont think Im the 1 that would faint if I ever saw you but I may cry. Im just the 1 who smiles and supports every album & tries to learn the words to my favorite songs. I remember how heartbroken I was when your Rock Witchu Tour Show got cancelled in Miami. I had front row center tickets with the backstage passes for my mom and I. I was counting down the days. I felt like I was finally going to meet my career idol. But it never happened.... I still feel like that little girl 20 years ago that wanted so bad to just say "Hi" but now that Im a young woman I also want to say "Thank you!".



Thank you for being so open with the songs you sung. Thank you for being so free in your dancing. Thank you for being so real in your career and opening up parts of your life for the world to see. If it wasnt for you, I doubt I'd ever have come so far as a dancer. My nickname since my SR year in HS till my last day dancing on the Heat Court was LiL Janet. Its such a compliment when people say that to me because for so long I looked up to you and was always inspired. Between you and your brother Michael I think you have changed a lot of lives. I see you now acting and Im so proud like I had something to do with it hahaha. But I just see myself in a few years. Majoring in Theatre Education and Humanities from FAMU and being a part of Mahogany Dance Theatre has definitely opened a lot of doors for me. You have done so many things I can only hope and pray that I'll be able to accomplish one day, especially working with Tyler Perry. If I dont get there, at least I can say I had a good run and I tried. Ive done A LOT more than 95% of individuals in this career can say they have and thats awesome. So, in closing, I just wish one day, that I can meet you long enough to say Thank you, you are the reason I chose this career and the reason I am a dancer!

Love you lots!
Lil Janet aka Royce

Day 8: My Favorite Internet Friend

Hello Friend,

OMG how you have gotten me thru sooooo much this past year. There were days I'd write things that Id later end up telling myself "I shouldn't have said that." or "I should've just ignored it." Then I saw you. I'll never forget it. I was actually on my phone when I first met you. So bold! Your picture was nothing special but it made a statement. Its been times when Ive wanted to curse people out, or put them on blast but with one word you'd change my mind. From the death threats to the degrading comments, I see you. From the E-Thugs to the Perverts, I see you. When I think of you I realize you are a blessing. Every time I almost curse a FOOL out, you somehow show up on my timeline with 1 statement like you see the ignorance too. So, when I Tweet, I smile cuz I know you're there. When I see you I giggle. No one really understands how great you are unless they know you. I love the way you piss people off when they find out about you and how many times they make up fake pages just to try and get us back. Its hilaaaarious. Its like you just rained on their parade or kicked their dog. Its funny how many people fill up their timelines for 30 plus minutes talking about us because of what you've done. They actually take it personally or they just enjoy talking about me which is cool too. Definitely keeps me relevant. So much has changed since we met. I no longer get upset when people come at me sideways, I just laugh and look at you. I no longer let it phase me when E-Thugs try to get crunk when they know they'd never say it to my face. Mostly, whenever I come across something negative or even nasty I think of you and how you are always there for me. Whether I see you on private messages or on my public timeline it amazes me how powerful you are. Thank you for being there for me everyday, 24/7.


Thank you BLOCK BUTTON.... Thank you so much for everything!


I just LOVE the feeling I get when people sign in so they can attempt to @ me and THIS COMES UP! How you like them apples?! IIIIIII dooooooont seeeeeee youuuuuuu Beatch! You are a ghost! *POOF*




With that said, I'd like to send this message out to all my haters, & stalkers. Thank you soooo much for keeping my name in your mouth. You make the BEST publicists because you work for free! Like the song says "If you had it like me and I was in your shoes, I'd probably hate on me too!". I aint mad atcha! Muahs! Cheeeeese!



HAHAHAHAHA B!TCHES!!!!!